Issues of Singularity - A Rant

I am about to turn 45 and I am single. Not in a relationship - of the "romantic" kind. Although I think that "romantic" is not really the proper term for it. It's not really about the romance, at least for me. That could be nice but I don't see that as the primary thing involved with those who are coupled or what I am particularly looking for. I am a fairly practical person and it would be really nice to have someone around who would make dinner sometimes, do some of the cleaning, help remember to pay the bills, help help help help. It's kind of a drag to do every damn thing all by yourself every damn day. It would be really nice to have someone to talk to at the end of the day as my job is really stressful. I am really good, I think, at being there for others but man it would be cool to have someone who had my back.

Much of the time not having a partner isn't really a problem, in fact I often think that it might be hard for me to adjust to living with some as I have only lived with roomates or on my own. I can be rather set in my ways, disorganized though they are. My brother and I have discussed the intricacies of living with someone and the things you didn't realize you cared about until the other did something different, or moved something. In fact, sometimes being single is just plain easy. No one to accomodate, coordinate with, no need to compromise. And yet....it gets boring sometimes. It would be nice to have a default date...someone to decide at the last minute, "hey let's just go out." To have some other music in the house. On Easter Sunday, not a holiday I celebrate, I was feeling rather alone. I was invited to dinners but the point was that it wasn't with "my people." Who are my people? My family is large and mostly east coast but even then my immediate family is rather small and both my father and brother have partners. I have many friends, again far flung and in various states of partnership/ family-dom. Even many of my single friends seem to have a group of regulars that they hang out with, do things with etc. My "groups" have always been more random, or diverse or something. Not really a set that gels and is consistant.

I really do have incredible friends. I am enourmously lucky in the friends I have and the longevity with which they last. And yet...when I go out of town I have to find someone to feed the cat. And now I have the goats as well. And I don't live in the city anymore. I don't know people out here. It's the freakin' suburbs. I have a business, that has animals that need care. I have taken this on myself. It saves my sanity on so many ways but it is so hard to do on my own. I now have a tax guy. WHen he tols me I was getting money back because the business operated at a los of such and such, at first I took it in stride as I know that it's the first year of a new business. And then I realized...I AM the business! How the hell did that happen? Where did that money come from? Ok I know where most of it came from but seriously? That much?

Every time I trim hooves, or buy hay, or clean the poo - I wonder where the help is. I get overwhelmed. It takes so long doing it by myself. It is so hard to get anyone to come out and help. Folks don't have cars or time or want to see the goats bu not do work. Not that I blame them - how exactly do you glamorize shoveling shit? I love that the goats want my attention, that they are bonded to me. And sometimes it feels like so much responsibility. Am I doing it ok? Are they happy animals? Am I really taking good enough care of them? How the hell do I get more jobs? Who will feed the cat while I have the goats in 45 min away? When am I going to exercise? Have I had a vegetable in the past week? And then there's the fact that I see desperate worn down people who have made some seriously bad decisions and are having to deal with consequences and need help 4 days a week. To pay the rent and bills and have health insurance and vacation days and because I believe in finding the best in people and helping those who are ignored and misunderstood. All I want is someone who has my back no matter what. I want a mutual leaning arrangement. Someone to integrate with my family and vice versa. I love my family and friends and want someone to create things with - not people - but other stuff. ;-) And I don't have the time to look - unless they happen to work at a feed store, own a home that needs goats or work in social services and aren't already married or gay.

Or maybe I am just tired and hormonal and it will all be ok tomorrow. I have made it this far, I don't *need* someone else, I just get so tired.

The times they are a-changin'

I can't believe how long it's been since I have posted. My Nana passed away almost 3 weeks after my last post and I am still feeling the loss. So much of my old life is changing, my reaining grandparent, my dad's mother, is now 93 and looking at moving into a supportive living community this summer. The old family gathering places are in major transition. My father is retiring this year as well. I am actually excited to see where this takes him.

Me? Well I got through the first season with the goat business! Didn't make money and got freaked out and anxious a bunch - but I have learned so much. And one big lesson is coming through today...I don't like my current job at all anymore. There are some good moments here and there but overall I am sick of dealing with the same shit day after day. And the reality is that HIV prevention and harm reduction just aren't inspiring me anymore. Hanging out with my goat "tribe" makes me happier than anything else besides hanging with my friends or family. March 5, 2010 was the day I knew I had to start looking for a new direction. Nearly 2 years later I am coming to the conclusion that I need to find a different "regular" job to keep me going until I figure out all the goat stuff and can make that profitable.

OF course I have moved as well. Closer to the goats and am finding that I don't really miss living in the city so much. I wasn't really availling myself of the benefits of city living so there really isn't a loss. And I am there 4-5 days a week anyhow still. For work and whatnot. Things seem to be happening in 2 year cycles so I am gearing up for planning what comes next...if I don't I will lose my mind.