The ways of change

It's been a while since I posted. Lot's going on. I left work today and headed down to Pier 70 by the Sculpture Garden on the waterfront and Myrtle Edwards Park. I bailed on plans with someone feeling rumbly in the tummy and then also realizing that I wanted to be by myself but outside with people. It was a gorgeous evening. The sunset was majestic settling over and behind the Olympics. A cargo ship in Elliott Bay. The twinkling lights of Alki Beach in the distance and as it grew darker - the lighted ferries slipping across the water to and from their destinations. 3 people each with a Golden Retriever chatted near me, a 4th wandered by at one point. They attracted the attention of passers by. A slightly chilly evening, not too bad but enough that I was glad to have a fleece on, especially near the water. People talking as they passed by walking, running, biking. The water lapping on the stony shore below. The gulls cried out as they moved from place to place - directions to each other? Above there was the occasional sound of planes flying, ubiquitous around here. Then there was the the call of an approaching train behind me, the lights and warning noises for the cars and the steady pulse of the chugchugchug of freight being hauled or people traveling. Looking out at the intersection of mountains, sky and water from my fixed point on shore with all of this business around me, I remember why I am here. In this particular place, this geographic point. The moon will be full in a few days, beneath it hangs 1 star. Very still directly below the moon like a pendant, with bright clarity. Peacefulness can be found amidst the chaos of the comings and goings. There is such beauty in the simple observations. In fact, with the right focus, all of that "noise" can be felt as the rhythm of life, the pulse of a city that is alive and active. Sometimes this gets to be too much when my vision is foreshortened by staying in my office without windows, talking to people who are desperate and staring at my computer screen hoping that it holds the answer, at least one. My physical space needs to be opened up more. I need to be out in the world more, literally. It is too easy to be inside, within walls, in the "safety zone." My mind works better when it can breathe. When I can breathe. When I can see what is around me. I believe that is a major draw of the goat business. Being outside, connecting with nature. Able to be amongst people but not having to constantly be talking. I talk too much as it is. Maybe. Maybe it's what I am saying that needs to change not so much the quantity.
My co-worker and I have been talking to our boss' boss about stinky behavior and it seems as though something might happen. We'll see. It feels good to be talking about it though, lifting a weight off. We have each other and that is so helpful. I don't know that either of us would be able to do this alone. The problem is so long-standing and has affected so many past and present staff it is deplorable. I was actually wishing my mom was around this evening. In her corporate life, she trained managers how to be better managers. I want her to come teach my boss how to treat his staff better. He doesn't seem to know anything about managing people, or he's forgotten it all.
I am going to try to build a "Life Plan." Similar to a business plan but about the parts of me & my life that are involved in neither the business or the current job. That part has been lost in the frenzy, pushed aside, ignored. I don't remember what I like anymore. I don't go see movies, listen to music, explore the city, read fiction. Read much of anything. I live a cluttered, unbalanced life of adrenaline and crashing. Though not bi-polar I seem to run my life at these extremes. And it is exhausting. I don't want to grow old in this current way of operating, it does not sustain me, it drags me down. It makes every part of me feel heavy.

The new adventure

I have a houseguest for 2 weeks. My cousin has arrived from Japan to establish himself here in the Emerald City. In part because I am here and have experience working with people "like him." In other words...addicts. He drinks and hasn't been on his other meds and his marriage fell apart in Japan so he is back in the states now. It is an interesting thing this dealing with family. In part I think he needs my Social Work side but because he is family he is staying in my home. Part of me wants to give him all the freedom I would any guest. But he is not just any guest, he is not here for a visit, he is here to establish himself and thus has no other place to go. He has a spotty work history, a trail of very poor behaviors and decisions with other family members and, I assume, like other addicts, he will be on his best behavior for a period of time and then it will get easier to fall into old patterns again. It is so hard to maintain behavior changes. I haven't been putting the effort into staying on the South Beach diet and I know that it affects my health and mood - in a negative way, but it seems easier to blow it off then to stick with it. I drive too often to work when I have a bus pass that will get me there for free (!!!). So I end up being a single occupancy driver taking up space, polluting the environment and paying through the nose for parking - triple whammy! And yet I continue to stay up too late and wake up late and panic and drive to work.

Behavior change and motivation. What makes it click for any one of us? What is the breaking point and why do we often have to hit it so many times before we really change for good? Can humans ever change "for good"? As I get older I keep coming back to the fact that it (change, life etc) is all a process and one that we have to re-dedicate ourselves to every day and sometimes more than once a day. It's about having more good or "on" days than bad of "off" days. It is hard to live a life of absolutes, of nevers. Even peope I know with dietary issues sometimes fall "off the wagon." They pay a price but it will inevitably happen again. It is also about habits. I can't think of the last time I so much as pulled out of a parking space in my car without having my seatbelt already on. It's weird to me that this habit seems so easy and yet putting on the running shoes seems so hard.

I am also thinking a lot about what surrounds behaviors people want to change. I want to eat more healthily and yet I end up in the cupcake place often. And I realize it's not just the cupcakes I am after (though they are SUPER delicious), it's also that I know the guys that own the place and several of the folks that work there now as well - and they no me and what I am up to. It's a friendly exchange with folks whom I don't need to help, who aren't in my social circle per se but with whom I have regular encounters and we talk about events and my goat business and they are supportive and it's fun. I have proven that I can go in and just get coffee but the cupcakes help me linger longer and really, it's like an alcoholic going into a bar when they are freshly sober. I mean, I hid the liquor while my cousin is here - why tempt him? So I want to keep stopping in to the cupcake shop cuz it's more than the sweets but it's so hard to not get them. Maybe it's like telling drug addicts they have to get new friends. That is hard. Even if the friends weren't much as friends it would still be hard to not go to the same places and be with the same people but if you do, there are the drugs.

That's part of why my cousin says he is here and not where the rest of the family is and where he has spent so much of his life. He knows people, there are "triggers" all over the place for him. Here he may find what he craves but there aren't the emotional triggers and familiar people. So the hope is that he can make some new habits before he engages in any old behaviors and any triggers can develop. Unfortunately, alcohol and baked goods are all around and easy to access. We both have battles. Here's hoping for both of us.