The ways of change

It's been a while since I posted. Lot's going on. I left work today and headed down to Pier 70 by the Sculpture Garden on the waterfront and Myrtle Edwards Park. I bailed on plans with someone feeling rumbly in the tummy and then also realizing that I wanted to be by myself but outside with people. It was a gorgeous evening. The sunset was majestic settling over and behind the Olympics. A cargo ship in Elliott Bay. The twinkling lights of Alki Beach in the distance and as it grew darker - the lighted ferries slipping across the water to and from their destinations. 3 people each with a Golden Retriever chatted near me, a 4th wandered by at one point. They attracted the attention of passers by. A slightly chilly evening, not too bad but enough that I was glad to have a fleece on, especially near the water. People talking as they passed by walking, running, biking. The water lapping on the stony shore below. The gulls cried out as they moved from place to place - directions to each other? Above there was the occasional sound of planes flying, ubiquitous around here. Then there was the the call of an approaching train behind me, the lights and warning noises for the cars and the steady pulse of the chugchugchug of freight being hauled or people traveling. Looking out at the intersection of mountains, sky and water from my fixed point on shore with all of this business around me, I remember why I am here. In this particular place, this geographic point. The moon will be full in a few days, beneath it hangs 1 star. Very still directly below the moon like a pendant, with bright clarity. Peacefulness can be found amidst the chaos of the comings and goings. There is such beauty in the simple observations. In fact, with the right focus, all of that "noise" can be felt as the rhythm of life, the pulse of a city that is alive and active. Sometimes this gets to be too much when my vision is foreshortened by staying in my office without windows, talking to people who are desperate and staring at my computer screen hoping that it holds the answer, at least one. My physical space needs to be opened up more. I need to be out in the world more, literally. It is too easy to be inside, within walls, in the "safety zone." My mind works better when it can breathe. When I can breathe. When I can see what is around me. I believe that is a major draw of the goat business. Being outside, connecting with nature. Able to be amongst people but not having to constantly be talking. I talk too much as it is. Maybe. Maybe it's what I am saying that needs to change not so much the quantity.
My co-worker and I have been talking to our boss' boss about stinky behavior and it seems as though something might happen. We'll see. It feels good to be talking about it though, lifting a weight off. We have each other and that is so helpful. I don't know that either of us would be able to do this alone. The problem is so long-standing and has affected so many past and present staff it is deplorable. I was actually wishing my mom was around this evening. In her corporate life, she trained managers how to be better managers. I want her to come teach my boss how to treat his staff better. He doesn't seem to know anything about managing people, or he's forgotten it all.
I am going to try to build a "Life Plan." Similar to a business plan but about the parts of me & my life that are involved in neither the business or the current job. That part has been lost in the frenzy, pushed aside, ignored. I don't remember what I like anymore. I don't go see movies, listen to music, explore the city, read fiction. Read much of anything. I live a cluttered, unbalanced life of adrenaline and crashing. Though not bi-polar I seem to run my life at these extremes. And it is exhausting. I don't want to grow old in this current way of operating, it does not sustain me, it drags me down. It makes every part of me feel heavy.