Feeling Bi-Polar

What seem like rapid mood shifts between total elation/excitement and sadness/depression - pretty much all weekend. The ups have been - surprise - all about goats and my developing business. I got to work out at the New Moon Goat Rescue and Sanctuary on Sat. morning and see the famous abandoned goat Betty White. She is beautiful and skittish. I loved being around all the goats with their personalities and antics. The woman who runs the place has her own horses and goats and one of the horses gives one particular goats "kisses" all down it's back. So very cute! So I got some horse love as well as much goat love on Saturday. Hanging out with the other volunteer and her daughter in the sun with the animals was so peaceful and good for my soul.

Which was important since I was practically in tears on the drive up and later that evening. Through the magic of Facebook I figured out that a dear friend of mine is getting married and moving to another state this week. Now this friend and I have a rather torrid history and have a profound love for one another but for many reasons it has not led to an actual relationship. We have been intimate in person but that was, in many ways, the smallest part of our time in relationship with each other thus far. Even when he lived not far away in Seattle I rarely saw him. I have only seen him once since he moved to the east coast but in the back part of my brain/heart whatever, I have been holding out hope that he would return and we could get this thing right for once. That isn't going to happen now. And the thing is it's probably better this way. Who I want and who I need in a relationship have thus far been different people. I go for the ones I want but aren't really right for me. I don't really know if I have passed up any of the "right" ones because I didn't want them. I think that for the lasting connection there has to be a high percentage of both want and need (good for me-ness) for both people. No one and no relationship is perfect but all of mine have had fatal flaws that cannot be overcome simply by my wanting it to be different. The true reciprocity is what has been lacking - it's always been that one is more into the relationship than the other. Or it's not been working for either of us.

The cool thing is that this person and I had a long conversation and I cried, he felt bad and we know that we will stay friends. And I want him to be happy and this relationship-soon to be marriage- I think really has the potential to meet his needs and make him happy. By being married, he is fully off my radar of potentials. It's just how I work. I will re-adjust and hopefully be able to find the "right one" without now wondering about he & I. So it is a loss, but it's also freedom that I wasn't willing to give myself.

Then today has been the great goat business naming venture. I love my friends and family. They are creative and excited for me and supportive in this venture in a way that would not happen if I was merely changing jobs. I meet a friend for coffee this morning and she said that she hasn't seen me this happy in years....years! Another friend told me by phone a few weeks ago that I am sounding "like myself" again. This is fabulous for me to hear and it bespeaks the drag my current life has had on me. I am encouraged that I am on the right path for myself in the feedback I get from others not just about the business itself, but the impact it's having on me and the way I am being perceived. Truthfully I am getting super nervous about things, being in charge of that many live animals and their well-being. Mostly though I am giddy with the excitement of it all and the balance and peace I feel being around these amazing animals. This coming weekend is the annual adventure to the Puyallup Fair with my dear friend and our crazy rituals. More livestock will be pet. We will "Free our Glee" - as the tag-line incites us to do, and we shall do so with gusto!