Random thoughts

Total stream of thinking tonight, perhaps that's what happens when I give my brain a chance to breathe. I am on vacation. Not going anywhere for any length of time - perhaps just some ferry rides. I was running errands today and as I was going west into downtown over the Boren Street overpass I saw many cops and EMT vehicles at the rail. My first thought was suicide and a split second later wondering if it could be one of my clients who sleeps under another overpass near there and who has recently been suicidal. It turns out I was right on the suicide part but thankfully (for me) not on the who. I can't be in downtown Seattle, or often Capitol Hill either without perpetually scanning to see if I see clients. I want to see them before they see me, some don't have good boundaries and I need my "down time." I believe it is part of my increased struggle to keep my life separate from my clients' lives. I get too involved, feel too responsible, hold their needs higher than my own more times than I care to admit.

Another part of this is my own need for recognition. When I tell people what I do I am frequently viewed as some kind of saint or a mushy brained bleeding heart that coddles people. I am neither of these. I do not work miracles. I listen to people and help them find services and support them in their struggle to make a better life for themselves - often against great odds. Yes, I care about them, no I am not going to take them home. It seems that actually caring about other human beings is really getting lost in all of the politics and money-grubbing that is going on. I hate listening to the hard-core right wing nincompoops who prattle on about family values and Christianity blah blah blah when the so harshly judge others and do not hold each other to the higher levels of conduct that they want others to do. Who, I ask, are they to judge? Is it not "|God" who does the judging? And who is Glenn Beck? I have my own spiritual path and our country was founded on the idea (apparently no the practice) of freedom of religion. This despite the fact that the Native Americans or First People got slaughtered for being "different." As humn being we are fallible, I get this. And I may not remember my Catholic teachings so well anymore but I do know that Jesus said something about those without sin throwing the first stone. Except that his believers are flinging stones all over the place and not managing to see the hypocrisy of it all. Jesus also hung out with the homeless, the poor, the prostitutes and did not fear them but walked by their sides. I hate to break it to folks, but it doesn't take a Jesus to do this. Or a rocket scientist. I do this every day. But it is wearing me down listening to all the anguish and troubles. I am so frustrated that more people don't seem to care. That police are ever ready to kill or harass or assault but community policing is going the way of the dinosaur. Respect is something that should be given first. So many police officers do a good job of making sure that they are targets of disgust and resistance.

The goat business is my way of taking a time out from all of this craziness. I want to be present for the disenfranchised. I want to help those who are struggling. But I need my own sense of peace to do that and I don't have that right now. I am constantly feeling like something the cat dragged in. Not my cat mind you, he doesn't go outside. A farm cat. An alley cat. A feral cat?

I have also been thinking about college tonight. As I attempt to clean up my apartment I am coming across things that spark my brain - like the Quarterly magazine from my undergrad alma mater. Don't care as much about the grad school stuff. Earlham College. A mid-west liberal arts college. Snobby? Perhaps a bit. But truly I never stop being grateful for the opportunity my parents and gave me to go to this school. A top notch education, a real community, a chance to find my voice and a treasure trove of true friends and acquaintances. So many of my values that my parents started to instill in me really became my own during my 4 years at Earlham. A year or 2 after graduating, a classmate wrote a long article which was published in the magazine, about how she didn't know what her degree was good for. It struck me as pathetic and whiny and entitled. So I wrote a response which also got published. I am thinking of that tonight and wondering if she has had any change of heart in the 15+ years since that article. I am also thinking of two of my cousins who are just starting their sophomore years of college and who are very different from each other and from me. I hope that they have as great an experience as I did - at least in retrospect. Goodness knows I look back on some of my journals during that time and I sure don't seem that happy. It was hard. I was still shy, skittish about relationships and dealing with undiagnosed depression. But I learned a lot, had fun and got the foundation I needed for the life ahead of me. Perhaps it's only in retrospect that you realize how much you really learned. My grades sure weren't that fantastic. However, from the point of starting at that particular college, my life has unfolded in a way that makes sense. I could never have predicted where I am today, and yet, looking back, it all fits me.

The next step I am nervous about and I feel that it makes sense. In that weird sort of way that it can only make sense based on individual quirks and experiences. I am feeling new kinds of connections with old friends and acquaintances who are becoming better friends as the days go on. A growth spurt. I haven't had one of those in a long time it feels like. Stretching new muscles. A little achy but in a good way. I am also realizing that sometimes you need to slow down in order to move forward. That includes the brain, not just the body.