Eating: A confession

I don't eat because my physical body needs fuel, not entirely. Or perhaps I should say that I more often eat something for some other reason. I can split hairs on why I am eating that particular thing right now and rationalize it all to suit my view at the given moment - "I exercised" "I am going to exercise" "I deserve it" "I won't eat anything later" "I haven't eaten yet today" etc etc etc. By not only going without my "crutches" of carbs, sugar, beer, even fruit but also having to time eating around the supplements I am taking, I am more clearly seeing the tiniest decisions that I make about food rather unconsciously most of the time. All of the following are reasons to put food in my mouth: I need to chew, I am stressed, I am sad, I am depressed, I am bored, I am frustrated, I am procrastinating something else, I need a break, I'm tired, I'm excited, I'm angry, I feel ugly, I feel fat, I need energy to (run, walk, go to the gym, run errands), It will taste good, I deserve a treat, I am hungry, I will be hungry later....

Right this moment I am supposed to be cooking. If I don't make something tonight, I will not have lunch tomorrow. I will be actually hungry tomorrow and then I will be cranky and at risk of eating something I really don't want to this week. Just 5 more flippin days of this and then I can add in fruit again. But I really want to eat that bag of mini chocolate chips that is open on the top shelf of the cupboard. They are almost microscopic individually but would taste oh so delicious all together in my mouth. I fought this battle last night and won and I will again tonight but it is quite the battle. These are the confessions of a sugar addict. Not just any sugar, Splenda is not really cutting it for me, real sugar - or corn syrup I guess most likely in the choco chips. I am actually "allowed" 5 of these micro chips in my dessert when I make a certain flavor - that is why I have them at all. I keep trying to keep to the menus but this is one I really could have skipped. The 5 micro chips don't really add much in terms of flavor but add a whole lot in terms of temptation. I NEVER keep chocolate chips in my house - I would eat them...all. In one or 2 sittings. I can almost feel the cells of my blood aching for the chocolate. This is how I know I am an addict. The thing I am thankful for is that at least I don't get sick from not eating it. I really don't HAVE to have it on a physical level. My body functions quite fine without it, perhaps even better. But the cravings are so real. If it wasn't in my house this wouldn't be an issue. I could get rid of the bag. I have thrown out food before when I felt it getting the best of me. But in this moment I am testing myself and learning a whole lot. This is new. And I'm not paying for supervision. Or special shakes or food etc. This time it really feels personal: Adrienne vs. chocolate chips. The only one I disappoint if I eat the chips is me. And I am tired of disappointing myself.