Random thoughts

Total stream of thinking tonight, perhaps that's what happens when I give my brain a chance to breathe. I am on vacation. Not going anywhere for any length of time - perhaps just some ferry rides. I was running errands today and as I was going west into downtown over the Boren Street overpass I saw many cops and EMT vehicles at the rail. My first thought was suicide and a split second later wondering if it could be one of my clients who sleeps under another overpass near there and who has recently been suicidal. It turns out I was right on the suicide part but thankfully (for me) not on the who. I can't be in downtown Seattle, or often Capitol Hill either without perpetually scanning to see if I see clients. I want to see them before they see me, some don't have good boundaries and I need my "down time." I believe it is part of my increased struggle to keep my life separate from my clients' lives. I get too involved, feel too responsible, hold their needs higher than my own more times than I care to admit.

Another part of this is my own need for recognition. When I tell people what I do I am frequently viewed as some kind of saint or a mushy brained bleeding heart that coddles people. I am neither of these. I do not work miracles. I listen to people and help them find services and support them in their struggle to make a better life for themselves - often against great odds. Yes, I care about them, no I am not going to take them home. It seems that actually caring about other human beings is really getting lost in all of the politics and money-grubbing that is going on. I hate listening to the hard-core right wing nincompoops who prattle on about family values and Christianity blah blah blah when the so harshly judge others and do not hold each other to the higher levels of conduct that they want others to do. Who, I ask, are they to judge? Is it not "|God" who does the judging? And who is Glenn Beck? I have my own spiritual path and our country was founded on the idea (apparently no the practice) of freedom of religion. This despite the fact that the Native Americans or First People got slaughtered for being "different." As humn being we are fallible, I get this. And I may not remember my Catholic teachings so well anymore but I do know that Jesus said something about those without sin throwing the first stone. Except that his believers are flinging stones all over the place and not managing to see the hypocrisy of it all. Jesus also hung out with the homeless, the poor, the prostitutes and did not fear them but walked by their sides. I hate to break it to folks, but it doesn't take a Jesus to do this. Or a rocket scientist. I do this every day. But it is wearing me down listening to all the anguish and troubles. I am so frustrated that more people don't seem to care. That police are ever ready to kill or harass or assault but community policing is going the way of the dinosaur. Respect is something that should be given first. So many police officers do a good job of making sure that they are targets of disgust and resistance.

The goat business is my way of taking a time out from all of this craziness. I want to be present for the disenfranchised. I want to help those who are struggling. But I need my own sense of peace to do that and I don't have that right now. I am constantly feeling like something the cat dragged in. Not my cat mind you, he doesn't go outside. A farm cat. An alley cat. A feral cat?

I have also been thinking about college tonight. As I attempt to clean up my apartment I am coming across things that spark my brain - like the Quarterly magazine from my undergrad alma mater. Don't care as much about the grad school stuff. Earlham College. A mid-west liberal arts college. Snobby? Perhaps a bit. But truly I never stop being grateful for the opportunity my parents and gave me to go to this school. A top notch education, a real community, a chance to find my voice and a treasure trove of true friends and acquaintances. So many of my values that my parents started to instill in me really became my own during my 4 years at Earlham. A year or 2 after graduating, a classmate wrote a long article which was published in the magazine, about how she didn't know what her degree was good for. It struck me as pathetic and whiny and entitled. So I wrote a response which also got published. I am thinking of that tonight and wondering if she has had any change of heart in the 15+ years since that article. I am also thinking of two of my cousins who are just starting their sophomore years of college and who are very different from each other and from me. I hope that they have as great an experience as I did - at least in retrospect. Goodness knows I look back on some of my journals during that time and I sure don't seem that happy. It was hard. I was still shy, skittish about relationships and dealing with undiagnosed depression. But I learned a lot, had fun and got the foundation I needed for the life ahead of me. Perhaps it's only in retrospect that you realize how much you really learned. My grades sure weren't that fantastic. However, from the point of starting at that particular college, my life has unfolded in a way that makes sense. I could never have predicted where I am today, and yet, looking back, it all fits me.

The next step I am nervous about and I feel that it makes sense. In that weird sort of way that it can only make sense based on individual quirks and experiences. I am feeling new kinds of connections with old friends and acquaintances who are becoming better friends as the days go on. A growth spurt. I haven't had one of those in a long time it feels like. Stretching new muscles. A little achy but in a good way. I am also realizing that sometimes you need to slow down in order to move forward. That includes the brain, not just the body.

It is ON people!

Yep - the goats are going to happen! I am in such a state of disbelief again over this. I met with the SCORE consultant and while I still have a ways to go, the numbers look good for actually making money with this crazy scheme! I have a week off over this Labor Day and I am going to be pulling together my financial stuff and hopefully meeting with Tammy to get officially signed on. OMG! Of course I have also run through my entire paycheck a week early so I am stressing about how I am going to make it on less of a salary...but that's why I have to do the financials. Breathe. I got my ass back to yoga and that is great. I have scheduled to take my social work licensing exam mid-November and Kaye & I are going to split the cost of more practice exams.

I had a big slip on the diet last night. For the most part I have been doing pretty well, I am managing the beer for the most part and the sweets but last night....My upstairs neighbor is moving out and she offered me all this food stuff which included a box of (low calorie) ice cream popsicle things. I ate all that were in there. I also at a whole box of South Beach granola bars I had bought - thinking I was ready for such a thing. uh....no. Not ready. I have mastered the chocolate chips (except the night I was really drunk) but this other stuff is a no go. I am eating peach jello as I type. Not my favorite flavor.

Back to the goats...when I talked to my father this weekend he said that "of course" he would help out with investing in the business. Of course??? Ok! I was kinda hoping that this would happen, that he would be smitten with the idea, I didn't think it would happen so fast. It got me all excited! I now have assignments from both my coach Josephine and Ed the SCORE guy that are all about the numbers! Who knew I would get excited over numbers and spread sheets! ayiyiyiyi! It's funny how it seems like I am now all a flurry to be able to sit and chill with the goats. Hurry up and wait. But I am excited and that is really the thing of it right now. I haven't been excited about much in a long time. It feels real good.

Coaching

Something I am just realizing is that I like having someone mentor and support me. It's ridiculous that it's taken this long but it seems like it's the first time it has happened. I've spent so much of my career starting programs that I haven't really found someone that I felt could really be my mentor - in person, for a long time. My last clinical supervisor did fill this role somewhat, I am still really calmed by his presence and insight but he is off doing his own thing now. I am really loving having a "life coach" during these transitions I am embarking on. It's so good to have someone to check in with, to give me exercises to do, to help me plan my time and prioritize. I could do it myself, but I don't, or I get distracted by something or another. Working with her I am getting things done that I need to do and she helps me parse down what the most important focus for the next period of time is. I liked having this with my original weight loss program - even if I backslid - someone was there to notice and help encourage me to get back on with it. It's like when I was running the 1/2 Marathons and I would see "my people" at different points cheering me on. Yeah, the over all crowd support was great, but having my own cheer-ers was awesome! I think that we all need need a cheering section when we are going through big changes, ones that feel big to us no matter what they look like on the outside. Having someone just for me is really great. Sure she has other clients, but for that hour or so- she's there for me and it makes a difference.

I went out last night and drank too much and felt like crap today - I am not in my 20s anymore. Being a grown-up I went to work. Limited my cake intake. Could not remember for the life of me where I parked my car and got a little extra exercise walking 4 blocks away from my car and then 4 blocks back since I had apparently been looking right at it and not seeing it. I felt a little demented. Then I went to the gym for 30 min. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but I had no food to pull together easily in the house and I really wanted to try and stay on South Beach as much as possible. So out I go to the grocery store. $100 later I have food in the house but no energy to make anything. I got some stuff that was already prepared so I ate some of that and you know...I didn't stuff myself. I left some for tomorrow's lunch and it's ok. I also got the bad stuff out of the fridge and the stinky garbage taken out. Hopefully I can get the dishwasher run tonight so I have tupperware to bring food into work with. These are the seemingly "little" ordinary things that for me right now feel like huge accomplishments....especially in my rundown, hungover state.

Da goats. I have an appointment on Friday to meet with the SCORE counselor to see what I need to do regarding a business plan and such. More coaching! And Tammy has this business and I am excited to learn the basics from her and then make it my own. It's something new but not so new that I have to invent it on my own. There is a plan and a person willing to share her knowledge, for a price, but I will learn stuff on my own as well. I am really excited thinking about it! I have my moments of freaking out - I am essentially going to have 16-17 "pets"! 15 of which require special zoning! WTF?! Jasper, the goats and maybe a dog too? OMG!!! Aaack! But seriously, it will be all good. Most of the time I am feeling happy about the direction my life is taking. I am moving towards something not just away from my current stress. I wasn't sure I would find this. I thought it might take longer. I thought I would be pondering several option though I never could conceive what they might be.

And today is what would have been my parent's 45th wedding anniversary. In retrospect, time flies.

Goat-tastic

I am full on with the goats now. I feel so grateful and hopeful with all of the support from people around me for this adventure. This past weekend was all caprine all the time (almost). Saturday night I tended the full herd (120 goats) and Pearl the wonder dog while Tammy of Rent-A-Ruminant went out to play on the town with actual humans. People keep asking me if she paid me for the 5-6 hours I was there....no. She didn't advertise it as a money thing and I saw it as an opportunity to see what it would be like to hang with a herd. I will not have that many goats but once I relaxed a bit - it was cool. Might have liked it better if I could have watched the dog and the goats simultaneously but that wasn't the set-up. Being alone like that will take some getting used to but again....gonna be doing smaller jobs. Being away from people will be kind of a good thing sometimes. I feel very chill with her goats. Zen-like even.

Sunday I got up early and went out to New Moon Farm in Arlington to attend "Goats 101" a 1 day rundown of goat care etc. by a woman who runs a goat rescue and sanctuary. Hands-on hoof trimming as well! The goats we were working with had just come in within the last couple of days and were pretty skittish. It made me think of foster kids and how they have to get used to a new place that will only be temporary and how unsettling that must be. Not to anthropomorphize or anything....The information was consistent with what was in my book "Raising Goats for Dummies." I like consistency. Especially when delving into something I don't really know, I trust the information more that way. While there I also heard bad-mouthing of 2 other goat rental outfits that is also consistent. I feel pretty good about getting hooked up with Tammy and R-A-R with all of that info. Of course I did checkup on her through Craig of Healing Hooves and got his take on the whole goat rental scene as well.

I feel an urge to start collecting things for the business. I keep looking on Craigslist for property, trucks, and goats themselves....some damn cute ones out there. Pictures included. Hell I even saw a livestock truck enclosure for like $200 that I wanted to get my hands on even though I don't have a truck yet. I, or rather my friend Juliet, has a list a mile long of goat names. Way more than I need for 15 goats but it's good to have choices. The super cool thing about all of this now, well a big one for sure, is the excitement from people I know about this adventure. It's not just support for doing something different - it is actual excitement for the whole idea and for me to be doing this specific thing. So many people have told me "I can totally see you doing this," "this is so you." Makes me feel good. Thinking about the goats makes me smile and slow down. This in itself is a sign to me that I am on the right track.

One of my other thoughts about all this is how to combine my social work side with the animals. If goats can calm me down and other animals are used as "therapy animals" why not goats? Goats remind me a bit of the street youth I have worked with. Stubborn, sneaky, inventive, cute sweet, and fuzzy. Ok, maybe the youth weren't exactly fuzzy, but they could have been. Have youth work on the farm like an internship. Do programs like sewing, making jam, making art, anything. Do it outside the city. Be with animals. Chill the f*@k out. Bond with a non-judgemental creature. Get some goat love.

This is down the pike and I have dawdled way too long tonight. sigh.

Eating: A confession

I don't eat because my physical body needs fuel, not entirely. Or perhaps I should say that I more often eat something for some other reason. I can split hairs on why I am eating that particular thing right now and rationalize it all to suit my view at the given moment - "I exercised" "I am going to exercise" "I deserve it" "I won't eat anything later" "I haven't eaten yet today" etc etc etc. By not only going without my "crutches" of carbs, sugar, beer, even fruit but also having to time eating around the supplements I am taking, I am more clearly seeing the tiniest decisions that I make about food rather unconsciously most of the time. All of the following are reasons to put food in my mouth: I need to chew, I am stressed, I am sad, I am depressed, I am bored, I am frustrated, I am procrastinating something else, I need a break, I'm tired, I'm excited, I'm angry, I feel ugly, I feel fat, I need energy to (run, walk, go to the gym, run errands), It will taste good, I deserve a treat, I am hungry, I will be hungry later....

Right this moment I am supposed to be cooking. If I don't make something tonight, I will not have lunch tomorrow. I will be actually hungry tomorrow and then I will be cranky and at risk of eating something I really don't want to this week. Just 5 more flippin days of this and then I can add in fruit again. But I really want to eat that bag of mini chocolate chips that is open on the top shelf of the cupboard. They are almost microscopic individually but would taste oh so delicious all together in my mouth. I fought this battle last night and won and I will again tonight but it is quite the battle. These are the confessions of a sugar addict. Not just any sugar, Splenda is not really cutting it for me, real sugar - or corn syrup I guess most likely in the choco chips. I am actually "allowed" 5 of these micro chips in my dessert when I make a certain flavor - that is why I have them at all. I keep trying to keep to the menus but this is one I really could have skipped. The 5 micro chips don't really add much in terms of flavor but add a whole lot in terms of temptation. I NEVER keep chocolate chips in my house - I would eat them...all. In one or 2 sittings. I can almost feel the cells of my blood aching for the chocolate. This is how I know I am an addict. The thing I am thankful for is that at least I don't get sick from not eating it. I really don't HAVE to have it on a physical level. My body functions quite fine without it, perhaps even better. But the cravings are so real. If it wasn't in my house this wouldn't be an issue. I could get rid of the bag. I have thrown out food before when I felt it getting the best of me. But in this moment I am testing myself and learning a whole lot. This is new. And I'm not paying for supervision. Or special shakes or food etc. This time it really feels personal: Adrienne vs. chocolate chips. The only one I disappoint if I eat the chips is me. And I am tired of disappointing myself.

No crutches!

Of the dietary kind at least. I came home from work on Thursday night wiped out. I seem to forget that taking someone to the ER because they are suicidal is stressful, even if I know the client and we have done this at least 2x before. As far as suicidal clients I have had to deal with, this one is by far the easiest - but that doesn't make it easy. By a long stretch. And then we talk about grief and loss as we are waiting. The "them not me" barrier has worn thin over time and that is how I know I need to go to the goats. People are complicated and while I love that, I am just so tired.

So Thursday doesn't end at the hospital, I go do my evening work at another site and talk to more desperate people. I get home and because I am on the "diet" - I am not drinking alcohol, no high fat high sugar dairy, no bread - baked goods, pasta, potatoes etc. What the hell???? So I call JuJu, she doesn't do much dairy, is allergic to wheat and I ask her what she does. It's dark so walking outside is out the picture but I do have gum. Talking to her helps even though I am not talking about my day really. That's why maintaining my friendships is so important to me - they are non-caloric! This is also why I am addicted to Facebook - keeping tabs on my people and them watching out for me - no matter where we are or how long it's been.

Friday I was just plain exhausted all day. Writing up the trip to the hospital, taking care of urgent billing stuff that pre-empted my ability to serve clients (which wasn't altogether a bad thing). Thank goodness my co-worker is back from maternity leave...I would feel ever more so far behind without her there. Still no crutches to fall back on....exactly. But I did have an entire bowl of sugar-free Jello just as I made the call to NY to talk to Adriene (not myself). She is stressing out about her own stuff and although I am listening to her, it doesn't feel like help the way it does when it's a client. I know she is capable and has plans and this is a temporary freak-out that will pass. And we bond over futures with livestock - her with horses and me with my goats. Seriously, we really should live closer to each other. The next college reunion we go to oughta be interesting!

Now it is Saturday and I have been reading my "Raising Goats for Dummies", laying around listening to the cool rain and finally getting to some of that shredding I have been meaning to do. I'll be off to do more grocery shopping soon but not a whole heck of a lot has been getting accomplished here today. And you know what? I have a feeling of contentment regardless. I am succeeding in doing things even if they are only in my head - this is what it means to lose the crutches.

Blog-venturous

Here we are again. Let me follow-up on a couple of things.

Adventure #1: Went to the store again this evening but missed yoga. Dangit! Moving intentionally wasn't my thing today apparently. Almost left the house without my carefully prepared lunch for today as well. A salt-water taffy accidentally made it into my mouth before I could even think of what I had done. Oh well. I'm not drinking decaf either. My friend Keith is going to be texting me each day to support me which is cool. And he bought a special beer for when I am done with the 14 days. Yay! I am really too lazy for all of this but I am really trying to do it the right way.
Adventure #2: Did I mention the supplements? Oi! The timing is complicated with my schedule and need to cook. My next naturopath appointment is on the 9th (as is my next coaching session). One thing I did do is make an acupuncture appointment for next week. I have had this pain in my thumbs for at least 5 years and I did try some physical therapy at one point but even when I was doing the exercises regularly it didn't seem to help much. It definitely affects my comfort and ability in doing yoga poses with hands on the floor. I am hoping that this will help.
Adventure #5: Goat Wrangling. Here's some background. When I was a tot living in NH with my hippie parents and even more of a tot brother, they thought it would be a good idea to have a goat. A fixed male named J.D. Watson - google it - my dad is a scientist and named the goat. We lived in an old farmhouse up the side of a mountain with a barn garage, blackberry bushes, a garden, an old building for small animals, tons of trees including sap maple trees and, apparently, marijuana plants in the back of the lot. Whilst my mother started volunteering for the National Organization for Women there in Darmouth, she was also shopping the Co-op, making pickles, cooking up granola, doing home-made yogurt, jamming & preserving, sewing matching mother-daughter outfits befitting of the early 70s - and we had good ole J.D. running around. My dad made maple syrup in the spring and our cat had kittens in the top drawer of my dresser. That time wasn't easy for my parents but I am pretty sure that my brother and I had a hell of a time. I hitch-hiked for the 1st time at age 6 when the school bus didn't take me up the hill and then I was so scared I ran in and told my mom immediately. J.D. died a horrible death as a result of an attack in his little barn by wild dogs. I think we had company that night and I just remember being really sad and scared.
Fast forward a bit....My father's brother lives in a now sub-division in nearly rural PA which was way more rural when he and my aunt had their 5 kids. I believe that all of them raised goats as part of 4-H and had a more-or-less good time with them. A couple have even seemed to bask in memories when I bring up this idea of mine.
Fast-forward more....My dear friend Juliet and I spend a day each fall at the Puyallup Fair just south of Seattle. It's an early fall ritual for us. Both of us love the livestock, the newborn or nearly born piglets are ALWAYS the first stop. One year I had a goat thing going on and got myself a little souvenir stuffed goat which has been on my bedside table ever since.
Nearing the present....At some point in the past year I found out about this outfit called "Rent-A-Ruminant" which turns out to be a woman with a herd of goats that is hired to clear brush and bramble from all kinds of hard-to-reach and not so hard areas. I "friended" R-A-R on Facebook. And you can too. At the beginning of this year I was super stressed at work and I found myself saying that "all I want to do is hang out with the goats."
Then there was the post.... On a really bad day at work I see her (Tammy - the Goat Wrangler) post about becoming an Affiliate. Say what???? I go look it up and it seems as if a lightbulb has gone off in my head. The skies have parted and the sun is shining! I have been ruminating (pun intended) for 2-3 months seriously about what I need to do about my life, career and everything. And then this appears. I tell Juliet. She tells her husband but for the most part I'm not telling anyone as I think about this. I think Lyn got in early too. I get the information from Tammy. I think. I go to visit Tammy and the goats. On a bad day it turns out as a number of the goaties have gotten into some hidden toxic brush. I hang out with the goats, see her administer some meds, help her move away the offending brush she has cleared and feel calm in the midst of all of this. I love watching the goats get up in a tree to get the good stuff. I love the way they press their foreheads to you to scratch them. I love the way they follow Tammy along the fence line as we move the toxic brush out of their reach. She burned out on trauma medic/ER stuff 6 years ago after 20 some years and is now getting famous with her eco-clearing. I am elated when she tells me she thinks I would be good at this.
The present....I have now brought Lyn, my father and Juliet to see the goats in 3 different locations. Every time I see them they make me smile and I feel at ease. I have no freeking clue what I am doing but it feels right. Even if I do it part-time. She has about 124 working goats and does mainly big jobs now but still gets lots of requests for smaller jobs. These would be mine. The plan is to have my own business with 15 goats and be able to ride on her fame in this area as an affiliate and do the smaller jobs. Perfect! And overwhelming. I'm not sure how all this will look but it is something that I am excited to try.

Whew! Long post. More to say about where my thinking has gone with all this and what is happening with my current occupation. But I shall leave that for another day. I need to cook.