Or not. My Nana, (mom's mom) was in the hospital earlier this week, probably still there. Again making me realize how far away from family I am. I have had lots of thoughts to post here but they are not coming to me at the moment. Thinking about relationships of all kinds. What kind of life I really want. I am glad to be going back east for Thanksgiving. That is always a good time for connecting. And now that this business thing is going on it should be really interesting. I will also be going back to the family house for the first time since Janet moved in. My brother has been there several times and now seems to be more at ease there and with my father and Janet. It was really good talking to him the other day and not feeling like we had to battle or debate about relationships with our father.
I am struggling on the food stuff. I am not eating well and I have been off of one of my supplements for at least 2 weeks and I think it is having an effect. I am so sluggish. I slept all day on Veteran's Day. No really - ALL day. Part of it I know is the weather getting colder and wanting to hunker down - but ALL DAY? I have way too much to do to be sleeping my days away. I have been eating an awful lot of refined sugar and caffeine lately as well. Cupcakes do not constitute a meal. I need to cook more and eat out less. Broken record there. Keeping my apartment clean would help I know. So hop to it girl!
Gotta get on the combining of retirement accounts as well. I want to be able to put that money into the business if I can. And accupuncture for my hands. And the gym. And running. So much to do....feeling sleeeeeepy.....
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The ways of change
It's been a while since I posted. Lot's going on. I left work today and headed down to Pier 70 by the Sculpture Garden on the waterfront and Myrtle Edwards Park. I bailed on plans with someone feeling rumbly in the tummy and then also realizing that I wanted to be by myself but outside with people. It was a gorgeous evening. The sunset was majestic settling over and behind the Olympics. A cargo ship in Elliott Bay. The twinkling lights of Alki Beach in the distance and as it grew darker - the lighted ferries slipping across the water to and from their destinations. 3 people each with a Golden Retriever chatted near me, a 4th wandered by at one point. They attracted the attention of passers by. A slightly chilly evening, not too bad but enough that I was glad to have a fleece on, especially near the water. People talking as they passed by walking, running, biking. The water lapping on the stony shore below. The gulls cried out as they moved from place to place - directions to each other? Above there was the occasional sound of planes flying, ubiquitous around here. Then there was the the call of an approaching train behind me, the lights and warning noises for the cars and the steady pulse of the chugchugchug of freight being hauled or people traveling. Looking out at the intersection of mountains, sky and water from my fixed point on shore with all of this business around me, I remember why I am here. In this particular place, this geographic point. The moon will be full in a few days, beneath it hangs 1 star. Very still directly below the moon like a pendant, with bright clarity. Peacefulness can be found amidst the chaos of the comings and goings. There is such beauty in the simple observations. In fact, with the right focus, all of that "noise" can be felt as the rhythm of life, the pulse of a city that is alive and active. Sometimes this gets to be too much when my vision is foreshortened by staying in my office without windows, talking to people who are desperate and staring at my computer screen hoping that it holds the answer, at least one. My physical space needs to be opened up more. I need to be out in the world more, literally. It is too easy to be inside, within walls, in the "safety zone." My mind works better when it can breathe. When I can breathe. When I can see what is around me. I believe that is a major draw of the goat business. Being outside, connecting with nature. Able to be amongst people but not having to constantly be talking. I talk too much as it is. Maybe. Maybe it's what I am saying that needs to change not so much the quantity.
My co-worker and I have been talking to our boss' boss about stinky behavior and it seems as though something might happen. We'll see. It feels good to be talking about it though, lifting a weight off. We have each other and that is so helpful. I don't know that either of us would be able to do this alone. The problem is so long-standing and has affected so many past and present staff it is deplorable. I was actually wishing my mom was around this evening. In her corporate life, she trained managers how to be better managers. I want her to come teach my boss how to treat his staff better. He doesn't seem to know anything about managing people, or he's forgotten it all.
I am going to try to build a "Life Plan." Similar to a business plan but about the parts of me & my life that are involved in neither the business or the current job. That part has been lost in the frenzy, pushed aside, ignored. I don't remember what I like anymore. I don't go see movies, listen to music, explore the city, read fiction. Read much of anything. I live a cluttered, unbalanced life of adrenaline and crashing. Though not bi-polar I seem to run my life at these extremes. And it is exhausting. I don't want to grow old in this current way of operating, it does not sustain me, it drags me down. It makes every part of me feel heavy.
My co-worker and I have been talking to our boss' boss about stinky behavior and it seems as though something might happen. We'll see. It feels good to be talking about it though, lifting a weight off. We have each other and that is so helpful. I don't know that either of us would be able to do this alone. The problem is so long-standing and has affected so many past and present staff it is deplorable. I was actually wishing my mom was around this evening. In her corporate life, she trained managers how to be better managers. I want her to come teach my boss how to treat his staff better. He doesn't seem to know anything about managing people, or he's forgotten it all.
I am going to try to build a "Life Plan." Similar to a business plan but about the parts of me & my life that are involved in neither the business or the current job. That part has been lost in the frenzy, pushed aside, ignored. I don't remember what I like anymore. I don't go see movies, listen to music, explore the city, read fiction. Read much of anything. I live a cluttered, unbalanced life of adrenaline and crashing. Though not bi-polar I seem to run my life at these extremes. And it is exhausting. I don't want to grow old in this current way of operating, it does not sustain me, it drags me down. It makes every part of me feel heavy.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The new adventure
I have a houseguest for 2 weeks. My cousin has arrived from Japan to establish himself here in the Emerald City. In part because I am here and have experience working with people "like him." In other words...addicts. He drinks and hasn't been on his other meds and his marriage fell apart in Japan so he is back in the states now. It is an interesting thing this dealing with family. In part I think he needs my Social Work side but because he is family he is staying in my home. Part of me wants to give him all the freedom I would any guest. But he is not just any guest, he is not here for a visit, he is here to establish himself and thus has no other place to go. He has a spotty work history, a trail of very poor behaviors and decisions with other family members and, I assume, like other addicts, he will be on his best behavior for a period of time and then it will get easier to fall into old patterns again. It is so hard to maintain behavior changes. I haven't been putting the effort into staying on the South Beach diet and I know that it affects my health and mood - in a negative way, but it seems easier to blow it off then to stick with it. I drive too often to work when I have a bus pass that will get me there for free (!!!). So I end up being a single occupancy driver taking up space, polluting the environment and paying through the nose for parking - triple whammy! And yet I continue to stay up too late and wake up late and panic and drive to work.
Behavior change and motivation. What makes it click for any one of us? What is the breaking point and why do we often have to hit it so many times before we really change for good? Can humans ever change "for good"? As I get older I keep coming back to the fact that it (change, life etc) is all a process and one that we have to re-dedicate ourselves to every day and sometimes more than once a day. It's about having more good or "on" days than bad of "off" days. It is hard to live a life of absolutes, of nevers. Even peope I know with dietary issues sometimes fall "off the wagon." They pay a price but it will inevitably happen again. It is also about habits. I can't think of the last time I so much as pulled out of a parking space in my car without having my seatbelt already on. It's weird to me that this habit seems so easy and yet putting on the running shoes seems so hard.
I am also thinking a lot about what surrounds behaviors people want to change. I want to eat more healthily and yet I end up in the cupcake place often. And I realize it's not just the cupcakes I am after (though they are SUPER delicious), it's also that I know the guys that own the place and several of the folks that work there now as well - and they no me and what I am up to. It's a friendly exchange with folks whom I don't need to help, who aren't in my social circle per se but with whom I have regular encounters and we talk about events and my goat business and they are supportive and it's fun. I have proven that I can go in and just get coffee but the cupcakes help me linger longer and really, it's like an alcoholic going into a bar when they are freshly sober. I mean, I hid the liquor while my cousin is here - why tempt him? So I want to keep stopping in to the cupcake shop cuz it's more than the sweets but it's so hard to not get them. Maybe it's like telling drug addicts they have to get new friends. That is hard. Even if the friends weren't much as friends it would still be hard to not go to the same places and be with the same people but if you do, there are the drugs.
That's part of why my cousin says he is here and not where the rest of the family is and where he has spent so much of his life. He knows people, there are "triggers" all over the place for him. Here he may find what he craves but there aren't the emotional triggers and familiar people. So the hope is that he can make some new habits before he engages in any old behaviors and any triggers can develop. Unfortunately, alcohol and baked goods are all around and easy to access. We both have battles. Here's hoping for both of us.
Behavior change and motivation. What makes it click for any one of us? What is the breaking point and why do we often have to hit it so many times before we really change for good? Can humans ever change "for good"? As I get older I keep coming back to the fact that it (change, life etc) is all a process and one that we have to re-dedicate ourselves to every day and sometimes more than once a day. It's about having more good or "on" days than bad of "off" days. It is hard to live a life of absolutes, of nevers. Even peope I know with dietary issues sometimes fall "off the wagon." They pay a price but it will inevitably happen again. It is also about habits. I can't think of the last time I so much as pulled out of a parking space in my car without having my seatbelt already on. It's weird to me that this habit seems so easy and yet putting on the running shoes seems so hard.
I am also thinking a lot about what surrounds behaviors people want to change. I want to eat more healthily and yet I end up in the cupcake place often. And I realize it's not just the cupcakes I am after (though they are SUPER delicious), it's also that I know the guys that own the place and several of the folks that work there now as well - and they no me and what I am up to. It's a friendly exchange with folks whom I don't need to help, who aren't in my social circle per se but with whom I have regular encounters and we talk about events and my goat business and they are supportive and it's fun. I have proven that I can go in and just get coffee but the cupcakes help me linger longer and really, it's like an alcoholic going into a bar when they are freshly sober. I mean, I hid the liquor while my cousin is here - why tempt him? So I want to keep stopping in to the cupcake shop cuz it's more than the sweets but it's so hard to not get them. Maybe it's like telling drug addicts they have to get new friends. That is hard. Even if the friends weren't much as friends it would still be hard to not go to the same places and be with the same people but if you do, there are the drugs.
That's part of why my cousin says he is here and not where the rest of the family is and where he has spent so much of his life. He knows people, there are "triggers" all over the place for him. Here he may find what he craves but there aren't the emotional triggers and familiar people. So the hope is that he can make some new habits before he engages in any old behaviors and any triggers can develop. Unfortunately, alcohol and baked goods are all around and easy to access. We both have battles. Here's hoping for both of us.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
effity eff
So I am off the South Beach diet. I am indulging in cupcakes again. This is me emotionally eating again. And I am noticing the effect on my mood and body - sluggish and irritable. My boss is driving me crazy - so hung up in numbers. I have asked to be cut down to 32 hours at the beginning of the year and now he wants fucking numbers to back up what day I want off even though we didn't do any of this when trying to figure out which day my co-worker would take off when she came back from maternity leave at reduced hours. grrrr. I did go to the gym tonight, only because I missed yoga cuz I was staring at my damn computer. I really do need to use timers when dealing with screens. I am Wondering how the hell I am going to manage 2 weeks of having my cousin here. He is young and his own family is fed up with him and he could be my client if he wasn't my family and I just hope he doesn't end up being both. I have new neighbors moving in upstairs this weekend as well.
Ok focus. One of my colleagues is looking to run the Rock-n-Roll marathon here in Seattle next June and I may have a new running buddy for long runs! That would be cool! I am finally getting motivated to do something with my 3 lacking retirement accounts. I collect them like I do pint glasses. None of these ones have very much money in them so I am hoping to roll them all together and get something I can borrow against for the goats. I am missing goats this week. Got to babysit the boys last weekend and that was good. Get to take Riley out for his birthday outing on Saturday - my cousin had to come in late enough that I could do that.
The best news is that my father is giving me a significant amount of money to start the business and that takes a big weight off - now I just have to get cracking on getting shit done. I decided last weekend not to go to Spokane for a beerfest - wanting to save money, wasn't feeling great and really the only reasons for going were to have a road trip and to see the bartender I crush on but with whom there is really no chance of anything more than that. I'll have to do a road trip some other time. The guy I am "sort of seeing" doesn't act like a boyfriend and even though that is really what I want - a partner - I haven't stopped seeing him primarily because of the sex. Which is damn good. I am still pissy over the other guy running off to another state to be with another woman. I just don't get it. I am scared going into this goat thing all by myself and yet I feel like it is something so totally my own.
I feel like I am never getting enough done on any given day to feel like I am making progress on anything.
Ok focus. One of my colleagues is looking to run the Rock-n-Roll marathon here in Seattle next June and I may have a new running buddy for long runs! That would be cool! I am finally getting motivated to do something with my 3 lacking retirement accounts. I collect them like I do pint glasses. None of these ones have very much money in them so I am hoping to roll them all together and get something I can borrow against for the goats. I am missing goats this week. Got to babysit the boys last weekend and that was good. Get to take Riley out for his birthday outing on Saturday - my cousin had to come in late enough that I could do that.
The best news is that my father is giving me a significant amount of money to start the business and that takes a big weight off - now I just have to get cracking on getting shit done. I decided last weekend not to go to Spokane for a beerfest - wanting to save money, wasn't feeling great and really the only reasons for going were to have a road trip and to see the bartender I crush on but with whom there is really no chance of anything more than that. I'll have to do a road trip some other time. The guy I am "sort of seeing" doesn't act like a boyfriend and even though that is really what I want - a partner - I haven't stopped seeing him primarily because of the sex. Which is damn good. I am still pissy over the other guy running off to another state to be with another woman. I just don't get it. I am scared going into this goat thing all by myself and yet I feel like it is something so totally my own.
I feel like I am never getting enough done on any given day to feel like I am making progress on anything.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Feeling Bi-Polar
What seem like rapid mood shifts between total elation/excitement and sadness/depression - pretty much all weekend. The ups have been - surprise - all about goats and my developing business. I got to work out at the New Moon Goat Rescue and Sanctuary on Sat. morning and see the famous abandoned goat Betty White. She is beautiful and skittish. I loved being around all the goats with their personalities and antics. The woman who runs the place has her own horses and goats and one of the horses gives one particular goats "kisses" all down it's back. So very cute! So I got some horse love as well as much goat love on Saturday. Hanging out with the other volunteer and her daughter in the sun with the animals was so peaceful and good for my soul.
Which was important since I was practically in tears on the drive up and later that evening. Through the magic of Facebook I figured out that a dear friend of mine is getting married and moving to another state this week. Now this friend and I have a rather torrid history and have a profound love for one another but for many reasons it has not led to an actual relationship. We have been intimate in person but that was, in many ways, the smallest part of our time in relationship with each other thus far. Even when he lived not far away in Seattle I rarely saw him. I have only seen him once since he moved to the east coast but in the back part of my brain/heart whatever, I have been holding out hope that he would return and we could get this thing right for once. That isn't going to happen now. And the thing is it's probably better this way. Who I want and who I need in a relationship have thus far been different people. I go for the ones I want but aren't really right for me. I don't really know if I have passed up any of the "right" ones because I didn't want them. I think that for the lasting connection there has to be a high percentage of both want and need (good for me-ness) for both people. No one and no relationship is perfect but all of mine have had fatal flaws that cannot be overcome simply by my wanting it to be different. The true reciprocity is what has been lacking - it's always been that one is more into the relationship than the other. Or it's not been working for either of us.
The cool thing is that this person and I had a long conversation and I cried, he felt bad and we know that we will stay friends. And I want him to be happy and this relationship-soon to be marriage- I think really has the potential to meet his needs and make him happy. By being married, he is fully off my radar of potentials. It's just how I work. I will re-adjust and hopefully be able to find the "right one" without now wondering about he & I. So it is a loss, but it's also freedom that I wasn't willing to give myself.
Then today has been the great goat business naming venture. I love my friends and family. They are creative and excited for me and supportive in this venture in a way that would not happen if I was merely changing jobs. I meet a friend for coffee this morning and she said that she hasn't seen me this happy in years....years! Another friend told me by phone a few weeks ago that I am sounding "like myself" again. This is fabulous for me to hear and it bespeaks the drag my current life has had on me. I am encouraged that I am on the right path for myself in the feedback I get from others not just about the business itself, but the impact it's having on me and the way I am being perceived. Truthfully I am getting super nervous about things, being in charge of that many live animals and their well-being. Mostly though I am giddy with the excitement of it all and the balance and peace I feel being around these amazing animals. This coming weekend is the annual adventure to the Puyallup Fair with my dear friend and our crazy rituals. More livestock will be pet. We will "Free our Glee" - as the tag-line incites us to do, and we shall do so with gusto!
Which was important since I was practically in tears on the drive up and later that evening. Through the magic of Facebook I figured out that a dear friend of mine is getting married and moving to another state this week. Now this friend and I have a rather torrid history and have a profound love for one another but for many reasons it has not led to an actual relationship. We have been intimate in person but that was, in many ways, the smallest part of our time in relationship with each other thus far. Even when he lived not far away in Seattle I rarely saw him. I have only seen him once since he moved to the east coast but in the back part of my brain/heart whatever, I have been holding out hope that he would return and we could get this thing right for once. That isn't going to happen now. And the thing is it's probably better this way. Who I want and who I need in a relationship have thus far been different people. I go for the ones I want but aren't really right for me. I don't really know if I have passed up any of the "right" ones because I didn't want them. I think that for the lasting connection there has to be a high percentage of both want and need (good for me-ness) for both people. No one and no relationship is perfect but all of mine have had fatal flaws that cannot be overcome simply by my wanting it to be different. The true reciprocity is what has been lacking - it's always been that one is more into the relationship than the other. Or it's not been working for either of us.
The cool thing is that this person and I had a long conversation and I cried, he felt bad and we know that we will stay friends. And I want him to be happy and this relationship-soon to be marriage- I think really has the potential to meet his needs and make him happy. By being married, he is fully off my radar of potentials. It's just how I work. I will re-adjust and hopefully be able to find the "right one" without now wondering about he & I. So it is a loss, but it's also freedom that I wasn't willing to give myself.
Then today has been the great goat business naming venture. I love my friends and family. They are creative and excited for me and supportive in this venture in a way that would not happen if I was merely changing jobs. I meet a friend for coffee this morning and she said that she hasn't seen me this happy in years....years! Another friend told me by phone a few weeks ago that I am sounding "like myself" again. This is fabulous for me to hear and it bespeaks the drag my current life has had on me. I am encouraged that I am on the right path for myself in the feedback I get from others not just about the business itself, but the impact it's having on me and the way I am being perceived. Truthfully I am getting super nervous about things, being in charge of that many live animals and their well-being. Mostly though I am giddy with the excitement of it all and the balance and peace I feel being around these amazing animals. This coming weekend is the annual adventure to the Puyallup Fair with my dear friend and our crazy rituals. More livestock will be pet. We will "Free our Glee" - as the tag-line incites us to do, and we shall do so with gusto!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Random thoughts
Total stream of thinking tonight, perhaps that's what happens when I give my brain a chance to breathe. I am on vacation. Not going anywhere for any length of time - perhaps just some ferry rides. I was running errands today and as I was going west into downtown over the Boren Street overpass I saw many cops and EMT vehicles at the rail. My first thought was suicide and a split second later wondering if it could be one of my clients who sleeps under another overpass near there and who has recently been suicidal. It turns out I was right on the suicide part but thankfully (for me) not on the who. I can't be in downtown Seattle, or often Capitol Hill either without perpetually scanning to see if I see clients. I want to see them before they see me, some don't have good boundaries and I need my "down time." I believe it is part of my increased struggle to keep my life separate from my clients' lives. I get too involved, feel too responsible, hold their needs higher than my own more times than I care to admit.
Another part of this is my own need for recognition. When I tell people what I do I am frequently viewed as some kind of saint or a mushy brained bleeding heart that coddles people. I am neither of these. I do not work miracles. I listen to people and help them find services and support them in their struggle to make a better life for themselves - often against great odds. Yes, I care about them, no I am not going to take them home. It seems that actually caring about other human beings is really getting lost in all of the politics and money-grubbing that is going on. I hate listening to the hard-core right wing nincompoops who prattle on about family values and Christianity blah blah blah when the so harshly judge others and do not hold each other to the higher levels of conduct that they want others to do. Who, I ask, are they to judge? Is it not "|God" who does the judging? And who is Glenn Beck? I have my own spiritual path and our country was founded on the idea (apparently no the practice) of freedom of religion. This despite the fact that the Native Americans or First People got slaughtered for being "different." As humn being we are fallible, I get this. And I may not remember my Catholic teachings so well anymore but I do know that Jesus said something about those without sin throwing the first stone. Except that his believers are flinging stones all over the place and not managing to see the hypocrisy of it all. Jesus also hung out with the homeless, the poor, the prostitutes and did not fear them but walked by their sides. I hate to break it to folks, but it doesn't take a Jesus to do this. Or a rocket scientist. I do this every day. But it is wearing me down listening to all the anguish and troubles. I am so frustrated that more people don't seem to care. That police are ever ready to kill or harass or assault but community policing is going the way of the dinosaur. Respect is something that should be given first. So many police officers do a good job of making sure that they are targets of disgust and resistance.
The goat business is my way of taking a time out from all of this craziness. I want to be present for the disenfranchised. I want to help those who are struggling. But I need my own sense of peace to do that and I don't have that right now. I am constantly feeling like something the cat dragged in. Not my cat mind you, he doesn't go outside. A farm cat. An alley cat. A feral cat?
I have also been thinking about college tonight. As I attempt to clean up my apartment I am coming across things that spark my brain - like the Quarterly magazine from my undergrad alma mater. Don't care as much about the grad school stuff. Earlham College. A mid-west liberal arts college. Snobby? Perhaps a bit. But truly I never stop being grateful for the opportunity my parents and gave me to go to this school. A top notch education, a real community, a chance to find my voice and a treasure trove of true friends and acquaintances. So many of my values that my parents started to instill in me really became my own during my 4 years at Earlham. A year or 2 after graduating, a classmate wrote a long article which was published in the magazine, about how she didn't know what her degree was good for. It struck me as pathetic and whiny and entitled. So I wrote a response which also got published. I am thinking of that tonight and wondering if she has had any change of heart in the 15+ years since that article. I am also thinking of two of my cousins who are just starting their sophomore years of college and who are very different from each other and from me. I hope that they have as great an experience as I did - at least in retrospect. Goodness knows I look back on some of my journals during that time and I sure don't seem that happy. It was hard. I was still shy, skittish about relationships and dealing with undiagnosed depression. But I learned a lot, had fun and got the foundation I needed for the life ahead of me. Perhaps it's only in retrospect that you realize how much you really learned. My grades sure weren't that fantastic. However, from the point of starting at that particular college, my life has unfolded in a way that makes sense. I could never have predicted where I am today, and yet, looking back, it all fits me.
The next step I am nervous about and I feel that it makes sense. In that weird sort of way that it can only make sense based on individual quirks and experiences. I am feeling new kinds of connections with old friends and acquaintances who are becoming better friends as the days go on. A growth spurt. I haven't had one of those in a long time it feels like. Stretching new muscles. A little achy but in a good way. I am also realizing that sometimes you need to slow down in order to move forward. That includes the brain, not just the body.
Another part of this is my own need for recognition. When I tell people what I do I am frequently viewed as some kind of saint or a mushy brained bleeding heart that coddles people. I am neither of these. I do not work miracles. I listen to people and help them find services and support them in their struggle to make a better life for themselves - often against great odds. Yes, I care about them, no I am not going to take them home. It seems that actually caring about other human beings is really getting lost in all of the politics and money-grubbing that is going on. I hate listening to the hard-core right wing nincompoops who prattle on about family values and Christianity blah blah blah when the so harshly judge others and do not hold each other to the higher levels of conduct that they want others to do. Who, I ask, are they to judge? Is it not "|God" who does the judging? And who is Glenn Beck? I have my own spiritual path and our country was founded on the idea (apparently no the practice) of freedom of religion. This despite the fact that the Native Americans or First People got slaughtered for being "different." As humn being we are fallible, I get this. And I may not remember my Catholic teachings so well anymore but I do know that Jesus said something about those without sin throwing the first stone. Except that his believers are flinging stones all over the place and not managing to see the hypocrisy of it all. Jesus also hung out with the homeless, the poor, the prostitutes and did not fear them but walked by their sides. I hate to break it to folks, but it doesn't take a Jesus to do this. Or a rocket scientist. I do this every day. But it is wearing me down listening to all the anguish and troubles. I am so frustrated that more people don't seem to care. That police are ever ready to kill or harass or assault but community policing is going the way of the dinosaur. Respect is something that should be given first. So many police officers do a good job of making sure that they are targets of disgust and resistance.
The goat business is my way of taking a time out from all of this craziness. I want to be present for the disenfranchised. I want to help those who are struggling. But I need my own sense of peace to do that and I don't have that right now. I am constantly feeling like something the cat dragged in. Not my cat mind you, he doesn't go outside. A farm cat. An alley cat. A feral cat?
I have also been thinking about college tonight. As I attempt to clean up my apartment I am coming across things that spark my brain - like the Quarterly magazine from my undergrad alma mater. Don't care as much about the grad school stuff. Earlham College. A mid-west liberal arts college. Snobby? Perhaps a bit. But truly I never stop being grateful for the opportunity my parents and gave me to go to this school. A top notch education, a real community, a chance to find my voice and a treasure trove of true friends and acquaintances. So many of my values that my parents started to instill in me really became my own during my 4 years at Earlham. A year or 2 after graduating, a classmate wrote a long article which was published in the magazine, about how she didn't know what her degree was good for. It struck me as pathetic and whiny and entitled. So I wrote a response which also got published. I am thinking of that tonight and wondering if she has had any change of heart in the 15+ years since that article. I am also thinking of two of my cousins who are just starting their sophomore years of college and who are very different from each other and from me. I hope that they have as great an experience as I did - at least in retrospect. Goodness knows I look back on some of my journals during that time and I sure don't seem that happy. It was hard. I was still shy, skittish about relationships and dealing with undiagnosed depression. But I learned a lot, had fun and got the foundation I needed for the life ahead of me. Perhaps it's only in retrospect that you realize how much you really learned. My grades sure weren't that fantastic. However, from the point of starting at that particular college, my life has unfolded in a way that makes sense. I could never have predicted where I am today, and yet, looking back, it all fits me.
The next step I am nervous about and I feel that it makes sense. In that weird sort of way that it can only make sense based on individual quirks and experiences. I am feeling new kinds of connections with old friends and acquaintances who are becoming better friends as the days go on. A growth spurt. I haven't had one of those in a long time it feels like. Stretching new muscles. A little achy but in a good way. I am also realizing that sometimes you need to slow down in order to move forward. That includes the brain, not just the body.
Monday, August 30, 2010
It is ON people!
Yep - the goats are going to happen! I am in such a state of disbelief again over this. I met with the SCORE consultant and while I still have a ways to go, the numbers look good for actually making money with this crazy scheme! I have a week off over this Labor Day and I am going to be pulling together my financial stuff and hopefully meeting with Tammy to get officially signed on. OMG! Of course I have also run through my entire paycheck a week early so I am stressing about how I am going to make it on less of a salary...but that's why I have to do the financials. Breathe. I got my ass back to yoga and that is great. I have scheduled to take my social work licensing exam mid-November and Kaye & I are going to split the cost of more practice exams.
I had a big slip on the diet last night. For the most part I have been doing pretty well, I am managing the beer for the most part and the sweets but last night....My upstairs neighbor is moving out and she offered me all this food stuff which included a box of (low calorie) ice cream popsicle things. I ate all that were in there. I also at a whole box of South Beach granola bars I had bought - thinking I was ready for such a thing. uh....no. Not ready. I have mastered the chocolate chips (except the night I was really drunk) but this other stuff is a no go. I am eating peach jello as I type. Not my favorite flavor.
Back to the goats...when I talked to my father this weekend he said that "of course" he would help out with investing in the business. Of course??? Ok! I was kinda hoping that this would happen, that he would be smitten with the idea, I didn't think it would happen so fast. It got me all excited! I now have assignments from both my coach Josephine and Ed the SCORE guy that are all about the numbers! Who knew I would get excited over numbers and spread sheets! ayiyiyiyi! It's funny how it seems like I am now all a flurry to be able to sit and chill with the goats. Hurry up and wait. But I am excited and that is really the thing of it right now. I haven't been excited about much in a long time. It feels real good.
I had a big slip on the diet last night. For the most part I have been doing pretty well, I am managing the beer for the most part and the sweets but last night....My upstairs neighbor is moving out and she offered me all this food stuff which included a box of (low calorie) ice cream popsicle things. I ate all that were in there. I also at a whole box of South Beach granola bars I had bought - thinking I was ready for such a thing. uh....no. Not ready. I have mastered the chocolate chips (except the night I was really drunk) but this other stuff is a no go. I am eating peach jello as I type. Not my favorite flavor.
Back to the goats...when I talked to my father this weekend he said that "of course" he would help out with investing in the business. Of course??? Ok! I was kinda hoping that this would happen, that he would be smitten with the idea, I didn't think it would happen so fast. It got me all excited! I now have assignments from both my coach Josephine and Ed the SCORE guy that are all about the numbers! Who knew I would get excited over numbers and spread sheets! ayiyiyiyi! It's funny how it seems like I am now all a flurry to be able to sit and chill with the goats. Hurry up and wait. But I am excited and that is really the thing of it right now. I haven't been excited about much in a long time. It feels real good.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Coaching
Something I am just realizing is that I like having someone mentor and support me. It's ridiculous that it's taken this long but it seems like it's the first time it has happened. I've spent so much of my career starting programs that I haven't really found someone that I felt could really be my mentor - in person, for a long time. My last clinical supervisor did fill this role somewhat, I am still really calmed by his presence and insight but he is off doing his own thing now. I am really loving having a "life coach" during these transitions I am embarking on. It's so good to have someone to check in with, to give me exercises to do, to help me plan my time and prioritize. I could do it myself, but I don't, or I get distracted by something or another. Working with her I am getting things done that I need to do and she helps me parse down what the most important focus for the next period of time is. I liked having this with my original weight loss program - even if I backslid - someone was there to notice and help encourage me to get back on with it. It's like when I was running the 1/2 Marathons and I would see "my people" at different points cheering me on. Yeah, the over all crowd support was great, but having my own cheer-ers was awesome! I think that we all need need a cheering section when we are going through big changes, ones that feel big to us no matter what they look like on the outside. Having someone just for me is really great. Sure she has other clients, but for that hour or so- she's there for me and it makes a difference.
I went out last night and drank too much and felt like crap today - I am not in my 20s anymore. Being a grown-up I went to work. Limited my cake intake. Could not remember for the life of me where I parked my car and got a little extra exercise walking 4 blocks away from my car and then 4 blocks back since I had apparently been looking right at it and not seeing it. I felt a little demented. Then I went to the gym for 30 min. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but I had no food to pull together easily in the house and I really wanted to try and stay on South Beach as much as possible. So out I go to the grocery store. $100 later I have food in the house but no energy to make anything. I got some stuff that was already prepared so I ate some of that and you know...I didn't stuff myself. I left some for tomorrow's lunch and it's ok. I also got the bad stuff out of the fridge and the stinky garbage taken out. Hopefully I can get the dishwasher run tonight so I have tupperware to bring food into work with. These are the seemingly "little" ordinary things that for me right now feel like huge accomplishments....especially in my rundown, hungover state.
Da goats. I have an appointment on Friday to meet with the SCORE counselor to see what I need to do regarding a business plan and such. More coaching! And Tammy has this business and I am excited to learn the basics from her and then make it my own. It's something new but not so new that I have to invent it on my own. There is a plan and a person willing to share her knowledge, for a price, but I will learn stuff on my own as well. I am really excited thinking about it! I have my moments of freaking out - I am essentially going to have 16-17 "pets"! 15 of which require special zoning! WTF?! Jasper, the goats and maybe a dog too? OMG!!! Aaack! But seriously, it will be all good. Most of the time I am feeling happy about the direction my life is taking. I am moving towards something not just away from my current stress. I wasn't sure I would find this. I thought it might take longer. I thought I would be pondering several option though I never could conceive what they might be.
And today is what would have been my parent's 45th wedding anniversary. In retrospect, time flies.
I went out last night and drank too much and felt like crap today - I am not in my 20s anymore. Being a grown-up I went to work. Limited my cake intake. Could not remember for the life of me where I parked my car and got a little extra exercise walking 4 blocks away from my car and then 4 blocks back since I had apparently been looking right at it and not seeing it. I felt a little demented. Then I went to the gym for 30 min. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but I had no food to pull together easily in the house and I really wanted to try and stay on South Beach as much as possible. So out I go to the grocery store. $100 later I have food in the house but no energy to make anything. I got some stuff that was already prepared so I ate some of that and you know...I didn't stuff myself. I left some for tomorrow's lunch and it's ok. I also got the bad stuff out of the fridge and the stinky garbage taken out. Hopefully I can get the dishwasher run tonight so I have tupperware to bring food into work with. These are the seemingly "little" ordinary things that for me right now feel like huge accomplishments....especially in my rundown, hungover state.
Da goats. I have an appointment on Friday to meet with the SCORE counselor to see what I need to do regarding a business plan and such. More coaching! And Tammy has this business and I am excited to learn the basics from her and then make it my own. It's something new but not so new that I have to invent it on my own. There is a plan and a person willing to share her knowledge, for a price, but I will learn stuff on my own as well. I am really excited thinking about it! I have my moments of freaking out - I am essentially going to have 16-17 "pets"! 15 of which require special zoning! WTF?! Jasper, the goats and maybe a dog too? OMG!!! Aaack! But seriously, it will be all good. Most of the time I am feeling happy about the direction my life is taking. I am moving towards something not just away from my current stress. I wasn't sure I would find this. I thought it might take longer. I thought I would be pondering several option though I never could conceive what they might be.
And today is what would have been my parent's 45th wedding anniversary. In retrospect, time flies.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Goat-tastic
Sunday I got up early and went out to New Moon Farm in Arlington to attend "Goats 101" a 1 day rundown of goat care etc. by a woman who runs a goat rescue and sanctuary. Hands-on hoof trimming as well! The goats we were working with had just come in within the last couple of days and were pretty skittish. It made me think of foster kids and how they have to get used to a new place that will only be temporary and how unsettling that must be. Not to anthropomorphize or anything....The information was consistent with what was in my book "Raising Goats for Dummies." I like consistency. Especially when delving into something I don't really know, I trust the information more that way. While there I also heard bad-mouthing of 2 other goat rental outfits that is also consistent. I feel pretty good about getting hooked up with Tammy and R-A-R with all of that info. Of course I did checkup on her through Craig of Healing Hooves and got his take on the whole goat rental scene as well.
I feel an urge to start collecting things for the business. I keep looking on Craigslist for property, trucks, and goats themselves....some damn cute ones out there. Pictures included. Hell I even saw a livestock truck enclosure for like $200 that I wanted to get my hands on even though I don't have a truck yet. I, or rather my friend Juliet, has a list a mile long of goat names. Way more than I need for 15 goats but it's good to have choices. The super cool thing about all of this now, well a big one for sure, is the excitement from people I know about this adventure. It's not just support for doing something different - it is actual excitement for the whole idea and for me to be doing this specific thing. So many people have told me "I can totally see you doing this," "this is so you." Makes me feel good. Thinking about the goats makes me smile and slow down. This in itself is a sign to me that I am on the right track.
One of my other thoughts about all this is how to combine my social work side with the animals. If goats can calm me down and other animals are used as "therapy animals" why not goats? Goats remind me a bit of the street youth I have worked with. Stubborn, sneaky, inventive, cute sweet, and fuzzy. Ok, maybe the youth weren't exactly fuzzy, but they could have been. Have youth work on the farm like an internship. Do programs like sewing, making jam, making art, anything. Do it outside the city. Be with animals. Chill the f*@k out. Bond with a non-judgemental creature. Get some goat love.
This is down the pike and I have dawdled way too long tonight. sigh.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Eating: A confession
I don't eat because my physical body needs fuel, not entirely. Or perhaps I should say that I more often eat something for some other reason. I can split hairs on why I am eating that particular thing right now and rationalize it all to suit my view at the given moment - "I exercised" "I am going to exercise" "I deserve it" "I won't eat anything later" "I haven't eaten yet today" etc etc etc. By not only going without my "crutches" of carbs, sugar, beer, even fruit but also having to time eating around the supplements I am taking, I am more clearly seeing the tiniest decisions that I make about food rather unconsciously most of the time. All of the following are reasons to put food in my mouth: I need to chew, I am stressed, I am sad, I am depressed, I am bored, I am frustrated, I am procrastinating something else, I need a break, I'm tired, I'm excited, I'm angry, I feel ugly, I feel fat, I need energy to (run, walk, go to the gym, run errands), It will taste good, I deserve a treat, I am hungry, I will be hungry later....
Right this moment I am supposed to be cooking. If I don't make something tonight, I will not have lunch tomorrow. I will be actually hungry tomorrow and then I will be cranky and at risk of eating something I really don't want to this week. Just 5 more flippin days of this and then I can add in fruit again. But I really want to eat that bag of mini chocolate chips that is open on the top shelf of the cupboard. They are almost microscopic individually but would taste oh so delicious all together in my mouth. I fought this battle last night and won and I will again tonight but it is quite the battle. These are the confessions of a sugar addict. Not just any sugar, Splenda is not really cutting it for me, real sugar - or corn syrup I guess most likely in the choco chips. I am actually "allowed" 5 of these micro chips in my dessert when I make a certain flavor - that is why I have them at all. I keep trying to keep to the menus but this is one I really could have skipped. The 5 micro chips don't really add much in terms of flavor but add a whole lot in terms of temptation. I NEVER keep chocolate chips in my house - I would eat them...all. In one or 2 sittings. I can almost feel the cells of my blood aching for the chocolate. This is how I know I am an addict. The thing I am thankful for is that at least I don't get sick from not eating it. I really don't HAVE to have it on a physical level. My body functions quite fine without it, perhaps even better. But the cravings are so real. If it wasn't in my house this wouldn't be an issue. I could get rid of the bag. I have thrown out food before when I felt it getting the best of me. But in this moment I am testing myself and learning a whole lot. This is new. And I'm not paying for supervision. Or special shakes or food etc. This time it really feels personal: Adrienne vs. chocolate chips. The only one I disappoint if I eat the chips is me. And I am tired of disappointing myself.
Right this moment I am supposed to be cooking. If I don't make something tonight, I will not have lunch tomorrow. I will be actually hungry tomorrow and then I will be cranky and at risk of eating something I really don't want to this week. Just 5 more flippin days of this and then I can add in fruit again. But I really want to eat that bag of mini chocolate chips that is open on the top shelf of the cupboard. They are almost microscopic individually but would taste oh so delicious all together in my mouth. I fought this battle last night and won and I will again tonight but it is quite the battle. These are the confessions of a sugar addict. Not just any sugar, Splenda is not really cutting it for me, real sugar - or corn syrup I guess most likely in the choco chips. I am actually "allowed" 5 of these micro chips in my dessert when I make a certain flavor - that is why I have them at all. I keep trying to keep to the menus but this is one I really could have skipped. The 5 micro chips don't really add much in terms of flavor but add a whole lot in terms of temptation. I NEVER keep chocolate chips in my house - I would eat them...all. In one or 2 sittings. I can almost feel the cells of my blood aching for the chocolate. This is how I know I am an addict. The thing I am thankful for is that at least I don't get sick from not eating it. I really don't HAVE to have it on a physical level. My body functions quite fine without it, perhaps even better. But the cravings are so real. If it wasn't in my house this wouldn't be an issue. I could get rid of the bag. I have thrown out food before when I felt it getting the best of me. But in this moment I am testing myself and learning a whole lot. This is new. And I'm not paying for supervision. Or special shakes or food etc. This time it really feels personal: Adrienne vs. chocolate chips. The only one I disappoint if I eat the chips is me. And I am tired of disappointing myself.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
No crutches!
Of the dietary kind at least. I came home from work on Thursday night wiped out. I seem to forget that taking someone to the ER because they are suicidal is stressful, even if I know the client and we have done this at least 2x before. As far as suicidal clients I have had to deal with, this one is by far the easiest - but that doesn't make it easy. By a long stretch. And then we talk about grief and loss as we are waiting. The "them not me" barrier has worn thin over time and that is how I know I need to go to the goats. People are complicated and while I love that, I am just so tired.
So Thursday doesn't end at the hospital, I go do my evening work at another site and talk to more desperate people. I get home and because I am on the "diet" - I am not drinking alcohol, no high fat high sugar dairy, no bread - baked goods, pasta, potatoes etc. What the hell???? So I call JuJu, she doesn't do much dairy, is allergic to wheat and I ask her what she does. It's dark so walking outside is out the picture but I do have gum. Talking to her helps even though I am not talking about my day really. That's why maintaining my friendships is so important to me - they are non-caloric! This is also why I am addicted to Facebook - keeping tabs on my people and them watching out for me - no matter where we are or how long it's been.
Friday I was just plain exhausted all day. Writing up the trip to the hospital, taking care of urgent billing stuff that pre-empted my ability to serve clients (which wasn't altogether a bad thing). Thank goodness my co-worker is back from maternity leave...I would feel ever more so far behind without her there. Still no crutches to fall back on....exactly. But I did have an entire bowl of sugar-free Jello just as I made the call to NY to talk to Adriene (not myself). She is stressing out about her own stuff and although I am listening to her, it doesn't feel like help the way it does when it's a client. I know she is capable and has plans and this is a temporary freak-out that will pass. And we bond over futures with livestock - her with horses and me with my goats. Seriously, we really should live closer to each other. The next college reunion we go to oughta be interesting!
Now it is Saturday and I have been reading my "Raising Goats for Dummies", laying around listening to the cool rain and finally getting to some of that shredding I have been meaning to do. I'll be off to do more grocery shopping soon but not a whole heck of a lot has been getting accomplished here today. And you know what? I have a feeling of contentment regardless. I am succeeding in doing things even if they are only in my head - this is what it means to lose the crutches.
So Thursday doesn't end at the hospital, I go do my evening work at another site and talk to more desperate people. I get home and because I am on the "diet" - I am not drinking alcohol, no high fat high sugar dairy, no bread - baked goods, pasta, potatoes etc. What the hell???? So I call JuJu, she doesn't do much dairy, is allergic to wheat and I ask her what she does. It's dark so walking outside is out the picture but I do have gum. Talking to her helps even though I am not talking about my day really. That's why maintaining my friendships is so important to me - they are non-caloric! This is also why I am addicted to Facebook - keeping tabs on my people and them watching out for me - no matter where we are or how long it's been.
Friday I was just plain exhausted all day. Writing up the trip to the hospital, taking care of urgent billing stuff that pre-empted my ability to serve clients (which wasn't altogether a bad thing). Thank goodness my co-worker is back from maternity leave...I would feel ever more so far behind without her there. Still no crutches to fall back on....exactly. But I did have an entire bowl of sugar-free Jello just as I made the call to NY to talk to Adriene (not myself). She is stressing out about her own stuff and although I am listening to her, it doesn't feel like help the way it does when it's a client. I know she is capable and has plans and this is a temporary freak-out that will pass. And we bond over futures with livestock - her with horses and me with my goats. Seriously, we really should live closer to each other. The next college reunion we go to oughta be interesting!
Now it is Saturday and I have been reading my "Raising Goats for Dummies", laying around listening to the cool rain and finally getting to some of that shredding I have been meaning to do. I'll be off to do more grocery shopping soon but not a whole heck of a lot has been getting accomplished here today. And you know what? I have a feeling of contentment regardless. I am succeeding in doing things even if they are only in my head - this is what it means to lose the crutches.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Blog-venturous
Here we are again. Let me follow-up on a couple of things.
Adventure #1: Went to the store again this evening but missed yoga. Dangit! Moving intentionally wasn't my thing today apparently. Almost left the house without my carefully prepared lunch for today as well. A salt-water taffy accidentally made it into my mouth before I could even think of what I had done. Oh well. I'm not drinking decaf either. My friend Keith is going to be texting me each day to support me which is cool. And he bought a special beer for when I am done with the 14 days. Yay! I am really too lazy for all of this but I am really trying to do it the right way.
Adventure #2: Did I mention the supplements? Oi! The timing is complicated with my schedule and need to cook. My next naturopath appointment is on the 9th (as is my next coaching session). One thing I did do is make an acupuncture appointment for next week. I have had this pain in my thumbs for at least 5 years and I did try some physical therapy at one point but even when I was doing the exercises regularly it didn't seem to help much. It definitely affects my comfort and ability in doing yoga poses with hands on the floor. I am hoping that this will help.
Adventure #5: Goat Wrangling. Here's some background. When I was a tot living in NH with my hippie parents and even more of a tot brother, they thought it would be a good idea to have a goat. A fixed male named J.D. Watson - google it - my dad is a scientist and named the goat. We lived in an old farmhouse up the side of a mountain with a barn garage, blackberry bushes, a garden, an old building for small animals, tons of trees including sap maple trees and, apparently, marijuana plants in the back of the lot. Whilst my mother started volunteering for the National Organization for Women there in Darmouth, she was also shopping the Co-op, making pickles, cooking up granola, doing home-made yogurt, jamming & preserving, sewing matching mother-daughter outfits befitting of the early 70s - and we had good ole J.D. running around. My dad made maple syrup in the spring and our cat had kittens in the top drawer of my dresser. That time wasn't easy for my parents but I am pretty sure that my brother and I had a hell of a time. I hitch-hiked for the 1st time at age 6 when the school bus didn't take me up the hill and then I was so scared I ran in and told my mom immediately. J.D. died a horrible death as a result of an attack in his little barn by wild dogs. I think we had company that night and I just remember being really sad and scared.
Fast forward a bit....My father's brother lives in a now sub-division in nearly rural PA which was way more rural when he and my aunt had their 5 kids. I believe that all of them raised goats as part of 4-H and had a more-or-less good time with them. A couple have even seemed to bask in memories when I bring up this idea of mine.
Fast-forward more....My dear friend Juliet and I spend a day each fall at the Puyallup Fair just south of Seattle. It's an early fall ritual for us. Both of us love the livestock, the newborn or nearly born piglets are ALWAYS the first stop. One year I had a goat thing going on and got myself a little souvenir stuffed goat which has been on my bedside table ever since.
Nearing the present....At some point in the past year I found out about this outfit called "Rent-A-Ruminant" which turns out to be a woman with a herd of goats that is hired to clear brush and bramble from all kinds of hard-to-reach and not so hard areas. I "friended" R-A-R on Facebook. And you can too. At the beginning of this year I was super stressed at work and I found myself saying that "all I want to do is hang out with the goats."
Then there was the post.... On a really bad day at work I see her (Tammy - the Goat Wrangler) post about becoming an Affiliate. Say what???? I go look it up and it seems as if a lightbulb has gone off in my head. The skies have parted and the sun is shining! I have been ruminating (pun intended) for 2-3 months seriously about what I need to do about my life, career and everything. And then this appears. I tell Juliet. She tells her husband but for the most part I'm not telling anyone as I think about this. I think Lyn got in early too. I get the information from Tammy. I think. I go to visit Tammy and the goats. On a bad day it turns out as a number of the goaties have gotten into some hidden toxic brush. I hang out with the goats, see her administer some meds, help her move away the offending brush she has cleared and feel calm in the midst of all of this. I love watching the goats get up in a tree to get the good stuff. I love the way they press their foreheads to you to scratch them. I love the way they follow Tammy along the fence line as we move the toxic brush out of their reach. She burned out on trauma medic/ER stuff 6 years ago after 20 some years and is now getting famous with her eco-clearing. I am elated when she tells me she thinks I would be good at this.
The present....I have now brought Lyn, my father and Juliet to see the goats in 3 different locations. Every time I see them they make me smile and I feel at ease. I have no freeking clue what I am doing but it feels right. Even if I do it part-time. She has about 124 working goats and does mainly big jobs now but still gets lots of requests for smaller jobs. These would be mine. The plan is to have my own business with 15 goats and be able to ride on her fame in this area as an affiliate and do the smaller jobs. Perfect! And overwhelming. I'm not sure how all this will look but it is something that I am excited to try.
Whew! Long post. More to say about where my thinking has gone with all this and what is happening with my current occupation. But I shall leave that for another day. I need to cook.
Adventure #1: Went to the store again this evening but missed yoga. Dangit! Moving intentionally wasn't my thing today apparently. Almost left the house without my carefully prepared lunch for today as well. A salt-water taffy accidentally made it into my mouth before I could even think of what I had done. Oh well. I'm not drinking decaf either. My friend Keith is going to be texting me each day to support me which is cool. And he bought a special beer for when I am done with the 14 days. Yay! I am really too lazy for all of this but I am really trying to do it the right way.
Adventure #2: Did I mention the supplements? Oi! The timing is complicated with my schedule and need to cook. My next naturopath appointment is on the 9th (as is my next coaching session). One thing I did do is make an acupuncture appointment for next week. I have had this pain in my thumbs for at least 5 years and I did try some physical therapy at one point but even when I was doing the exercises regularly it didn't seem to help much. It definitely affects my comfort and ability in doing yoga poses with hands on the floor. I am hoping that this will help.
Adventure #5: Goat Wrangling. Here's some background. When I was a tot living in NH with my hippie parents and even more of a tot brother, they thought it would be a good idea to have a goat. A fixed male named J.D. Watson - google it - my dad is a scientist and named the goat. We lived in an old farmhouse up the side of a mountain with a barn garage, blackberry bushes, a garden, an old building for small animals, tons of trees including sap maple trees and, apparently, marijuana plants in the back of the lot. Whilst my mother started volunteering for the National Organization for Women there in Darmouth, she was also shopping the Co-op, making pickles, cooking up granola, doing home-made yogurt, jamming & preserving, sewing matching mother-daughter outfits befitting of the early 70s - and we had good ole J.D. running around. My dad made maple syrup in the spring and our cat had kittens in the top drawer of my dresser. That time wasn't easy for my parents but I am pretty sure that my brother and I had a hell of a time. I hitch-hiked for the 1st time at age 6 when the school bus didn't take me up the hill and then I was so scared I ran in and told my mom immediately. J.D. died a horrible death as a result of an attack in his little barn by wild dogs. I think we had company that night and I just remember being really sad and scared.
Fast forward a bit....My father's brother lives in a now sub-division in nearly rural PA which was way more rural when he and my aunt had their 5 kids. I believe that all of them raised goats as part of 4-H and had a more-or-less good time with them. A couple have even seemed to bask in memories when I bring up this idea of mine.
Fast-forward more....My dear friend Juliet and I spend a day each fall at the Puyallup Fair just south of Seattle. It's an early fall ritual for us. Both of us love the livestock, the newborn or nearly born piglets are ALWAYS the first stop. One year I had a goat thing going on and got myself a little souvenir stuffed goat which has been on my bedside table ever since.
Nearing the present....At some point in the past year I found out about this outfit called "Rent-A-Ruminant" which turns out to be a woman with a herd of goats that is hired to clear brush and bramble from all kinds of hard-to-reach and not so hard areas. I "friended" R-A-R on Facebook. And you can too. At the beginning of this year I was super stressed at work and I found myself saying that "all I want to do is hang out with the goats."
Then there was the post.... On a really bad day at work I see her (Tammy - the Goat Wrangler) post about becoming an Affiliate. Say what???? I go look it up and it seems as if a lightbulb has gone off in my head. The skies have parted and the sun is shining! I have been ruminating (pun intended) for 2-3 months seriously about what I need to do about my life, career and everything. And then this appears. I tell Juliet. She tells her husband but for the most part I'm not telling anyone as I think about this. I think Lyn got in early too. I get the information from Tammy. I think. I go to visit Tammy and the goats. On a bad day it turns out as a number of the goaties have gotten into some hidden toxic brush. I hang out with the goats, see her administer some meds, help her move away the offending brush she has cleared and feel calm in the midst of all of this. I love watching the goats get up in a tree to get the good stuff. I love the way they press their foreheads to you to scratch them. I love the way they follow Tammy along the fence line as we move the toxic brush out of their reach. She burned out on trauma medic/ER stuff 6 years ago after 20 some years and is now getting famous with her eco-clearing. I am elated when she tells me she thinks I would be good at this.
The present....I have now brought Lyn, my father and Juliet to see the goats in 3 different locations. Every time I see them they make me smile and I feel at ease. I have no freeking clue what I am doing but it feels right. Even if I do it part-time. She has about 124 working goats and does mainly big jobs now but still gets lots of requests for smaller jobs. These would be mine. The plan is to have my own business with 15 goats and be able to ride on her fame in this area as an affiliate and do the smaller jobs. Perfect! And overwhelming. I'm not sure how all this will look but it is something that I am excited to try.
Whew! Long post. More to say about where my thinking has gone with all this and what is happening with my current occupation. But I shall leave that for another day. I need to cook.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Adventures
We all need to have little adventures to keep our lives interesting. I have decided that instead of having a mid-life crisis, I am going to have these "adventures" that are actually taking more energy than I anticipated.
Adventure #1: Trying yet another "diet" in hopes of finding the thing that I can actually stick with as a life plan. My naturopath suggested the South Beach Diet as something that has helped other people with my kind of weight, depression, lethargy kind of issues. I have known that I haven't been eating well but this is a whole new thing. It is midnight and I think I have finally gotten the things I need together for another day of eating. Eating healthy is hard work, in my opinion, and it is not cheap. I spent over $160 in 2 days and I will probably have to go back to the store in a day or two I think in order to follow the recipes - and I am following the menus pretty well. I need the structure of the menus. I might move things from one day to another or switch dinner and lunch, but I am keeping to it. And it's only day 2 of 14 days of the strict stuff. I still feel tired though.
Adventure #2: Going to a naturopathic doctor. This is in conjunction with my regular doc who I am happy with but I have been feeling for a while that it's one symptom at a time rather than a holistic view. Now I am popping supplements that are not covered by my health insurance and I am left wondering if it is really any different than popping pills. I hope so - given the diligence I am putting into trying to make sure that I am taking them at the right time in regards to eating etc. The funny thing is that I have yet to be weighed or have my blood pressure taken - perhaps she is leaving that to my regular doc and trusting my reports (which are trustworthy).
Adventure #3: Taking my licensure exam for social work. It's expensive and I think it's a silly test aimed at only a portion of social work practice that I am not really interested in. In fact, my progressive ideals get all in a frenzy over the stupidity of the test. Really the only reason I am doing it is because work is paying for a chunk of the license falderah, with the changes that have been made this year in WA State, I will be able to not have to do a ridiculous amount of documentation - but only for a short window. And finally, because some jobs I may want to have in the future may require it and I don't want to shoot myself in the foot. sigh. The plan is to take and pass the test by the end of the year.
Adventure #4: Life Coaching. Although I actually have to pay for this, it seems worth it given all the stuff I am trying to do right now. Done counseling, and though I may feel the need for more of it in the future, now I need structured and practical guidance. Perhaps this is the adult version of the High School Guidance Counselor. Changes need to happen in my life right now and I need the help of someone external to my life to help me prioritize activities and help keep me accountable for what I say I am going to do. Doing it long distance over the phone but on the recommendation of a dear friend and I feel good about the fit thus far (1 session into it). I really need the structure and accountability. That's something I have a hard time giving myself and I lose it even more when there are this many things going on.
Adventure #5: My job. This is huge and warrants a post all it's own. But for now let's just say that I am burned out. I start the week with a bad attitude and it gets progressively worse. My co-worker is back and that is helpful but the job remains the same, as does the boss and so many other things about it have just worn me down over the nearly 7 years in this position. In talking to a friend a couple months ago - I realized that I have been working with challenging populations for roundabouts 20 years! In that time my self-care strategies have been used inconsistently at best. Now I am looking at doing a 180 to something completely different. Goat wrangling.
Adventure #1: Trying yet another "diet" in hopes of finding the thing that I can actually stick with as a life plan. My naturopath suggested the South Beach Diet as something that has helped other people with my kind of weight, depression, lethargy kind of issues. I have known that I haven't been eating well but this is a whole new thing. It is midnight and I think I have finally gotten the things I need together for another day of eating. Eating healthy is hard work, in my opinion, and it is not cheap. I spent over $160 in 2 days and I will probably have to go back to the store in a day or two I think in order to follow the recipes - and I am following the menus pretty well. I need the structure of the menus. I might move things from one day to another or switch dinner and lunch, but I am keeping to it. And it's only day 2 of 14 days of the strict stuff. I still feel tired though.
Adventure #2: Going to a naturopathic doctor. This is in conjunction with my regular doc who I am happy with but I have been feeling for a while that it's one symptom at a time rather than a holistic view. Now I am popping supplements that are not covered by my health insurance and I am left wondering if it is really any different than popping pills. I hope so - given the diligence I am putting into trying to make sure that I am taking them at the right time in regards to eating etc. The funny thing is that I have yet to be weighed or have my blood pressure taken - perhaps she is leaving that to my regular doc and trusting my reports (which are trustworthy).
Adventure #3: Taking my licensure exam for social work. It's expensive and I think it's a silly test aimed at only a portion of social work practice that I am not really interested in. In fact, my progressive ideals get all in a frenzy over the stupidity of the test. Really the only reason I am doing it is because work is paying for a chunk of the license falderah, with the changes that have been made this year in WA State, I will be able to not have to do a ridiculous amount of documentation - but only for a short window. And finally, because some jobs I may want to have in the future may require it and I don't want to shoot myself in the foot. sigh. The plan is to take and pass the test by the end of the year.
Adventure #4: Life Coaching. Although I actually have to pay for this, it seems worth it given all the stuff I am trying to do right now. Done counseling, and though I may feel the need for more of it in the future, now I need structured and practical guidance. Perhaps this is the adult version of the High School Guidance Counselor. Changes need to happen in my life right now and I need the help of someone external to my life to help me prioritize activities and help keep me accountable for what I say I am going to do. Doing it long distance over the phone but on the recommendation of a dear friend and I feel good about the fit thus far (1 session into it). I really need the structure and accountability. That's something I have a hard time giving myself and I lose it even more when there are this many things going on.
Adventure #5: My job. This is huge and warrants a post all it's own. But for now let's just say that I am burned out. I start the week with a bad attitude and it gets progressively worse. My co-worker is back and that is helpful but the job remains the same, as does the boss and so many other things about it have just worn me down over the nearly 7 years in this position. In talking to a friend a couple months ago - I realized that I have been working with challenging populations for roundabouts 20 years! In that time my self-care strategies have been used inconsistently at best. Now I am looking at doing a 180 to something completely different. Goat wrangling.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Silly me!
Somehow I thought I was signing in to my other Blog (Training as Life) but I ended up making a new one. Probably just as well since it is no longer 2009 and my running has seriously fallen off. The good news is that I am (finally) serious about making some changes in my life having now been burned-out on the current state of affairs for at least a year. So it seems like as good a time as any to start a new blog with a more general theme. The word of the day is: Goats.
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